


We have not touched the stars

by sangha



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Asgardian Liquor, Barebacking, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Blow Jobs, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Bottom Steve Rogers, Captain America Steve Rogers/Modern Bucky Barnes, Coming Out, Drunk Sex, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Gay Bucky Barnes, Hand Jobs, Homophobia, M/M, Modern Bucky Barnes, Oral Sex, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Semi-Public Sex, Shrunkyclunks, Shrunkyclunks AU, Steve Rogers is Not a Virgin, Switch Bucky Barnes, Top Bucky Barnes, Top Steve Rogers, bisexual awakening, mention of conversion therapy, switch steve rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2018-11-23 10:19:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11400561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sangha/pseuds/sangha
Summary: Steve is still adjusting to life in the 21st century. His life nowadays is mostly lonely. Though he appreciates her good intentions, he always rebuffs Natasha's efforts to set him up on a date; he simply isn't interested in pursuing anything romantic.At least, until Steve gets drunk on Asgardian liquor and a ridiculously handsome stranger at the bar catches his eye.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a purely self indulgent piece of work, featuring a bunch of my favorite tropes.
> 
> For clarity's sake: Steve is still Cap and most of the events from First Avenger still happened (minus the Bucky parts), as well as the events from Avengers. He meets Bucky not long after the Battle of New York.
> 
> Also, both Steve and Bucky are pretty drunk when they first have sex, though it's definitely consensual. But anyway, if drunken hookups are not your thing, you've been warned :).

Nights like these had become a ritual for Steve and Natasha. Whenever they had a free weekend, Natasha would drag Steve to a bar. Initially, she’d kept pointing to various women as potential dates or hookups, but when she finally realized Steve wasn’t going to bite, it turned into more casual nights out - a chance to catch up, or an excuse to get drunk. Every now and then, Nat would still point to some woman and say, “What about that one?”, always smiling as she said it, and Steve always laughing in response. It was a running joke between them now.

They had grown closer in the year or so since Steve had been “defrosted,” as Tony insisted on calling it. When he first met her, he didn’t think they’d have anything in common. She seemed sneaky where he was always upfront. But over time, he’d come to realize they were really two sides of the same coin. Her methods may have varied from his, but she didn’t deceive people just to mess with them. She did it with a purpose and she did it well, never losing sight of what was at stake. She had as strong a moral compass as Steve did, she just used it a little differently. 

They had just come back from a long mission abroad. It had been exhausting, not so much because of any physical exertion, but because it involved so much waiting. Him, Clint and Nat had been cooped up in a couple of rooms for weeks, with little to do but listen to Clint’s increasingly outrageous - though entertaining - stories. In the end, they hadn’t even managed to catch the guy, they just captured some of his henchmen and obtained a number of files that might help them locate him next time, at least. Overall, it had been supremely unsatisfying.

So tonight, Steve planned on actually getting drunk. Thor had been generous enough to leave a stash of Asgardian liquor behind during his last visit. Steve didn’t use it every time they went out; he’d burn through it way too fast and more importantly, it gave him a hell of a hangover. But tonight, he was willing to pay that price for a pleasant buzz. 

The waitress brought him his drink and he spiked it with the Asgardian liquid, silently thanking Thor.

“Thank fuck,” Natasha said as she watched Steve pouring the liquid into his drink. “I thought I was gonna be the only one getting drunk.”

Steve grinned. “Not this time.”

Natasha raised her glass. “To Thor.” 

“To Thor,” Steve chimed in, clinking her glass with his own. He downed about half the contents in one go, immediately feeling a buzz settling in his veins. “So, you and Clint,” Steve began, already emboldened by the alcohol in his system. The apartment where they’d stayed during the mission had two bedrooms. At first, Natasha slept in one, Steve and Clint in the other. Steve wasn’t sure when he first noticed the change, but in the end, he and Nat had switched places without discussing it much.

Natasha gave him a sharp look, to which Steve responded with a raised eyebrow. 

“What? We’re always talking about my love life, so why can’t we talk about yours?”

“Uh, we don’t talk about your love life cause you don’t currently have one. And you consistently shoot down my efforts to help you out in that department. You don’t actually tell me anything.” She took a sip of her drink. “So no, we don’t need to talk about me and Clint,” she concluded, though she was smiling as she said it.

“Oh, c’mon. I didn’t ask while we were over there because I’m such a professional and now you’re not gonna tell me anything?” he asked, pouting a little.

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. We’re just seeing where it goes. Don’t make a big deal out of it.” 

Steve shrugged. “Sure.” He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, though he was curious to know more. He looked away from her, his eyes roaming the room and finally landing on a man on the other side of the room. His hair fell to just below his ears, drawing Steve’s eyes to a strong jawline. He was handsome, the kind of good-looking you usually only saw in movies or on TV. Maybe the man felt someone’s eyes on him, for he turned his head to look straight at Steve, offered him a small smile. Steve had to drag his gaze away from the man to focus on Natasha again. 

“Just know I’m happy for you,” Steve said. Natasha deserved to find someone who was willing to pierce through all the layers she possessed. Once you got to know her, she would be an invaluable part of your life. And though Clint was a surprising choice of partner, in a way Steve thought it might actually work. He’d help her relax and relinquish control every now and then and she’d keep him from getting killed. 

“Just know that if you tell Stark, I’ll rip your balls off,” Natasha responded. She was laughing but Steve had no doubt she would keep her promise.

Steve grinned and put his hand over his heart. “You have my word.” He found his eyes drifting back to the man. He was with a couple of other men and though he was engaged in conversation with them, he kept shooting Steve looks as well.

After a few hours of trying very hard to at least not openly stare and getting drunker and drunker on Thor’s booze, Natasha finally just raised her eyebrow at him.

“I didn’t know you were into guys,” she said casually.

“Me neither,” Steve replied before he could think. “Wait…” Did he actually just say that? He already felt a blush forming on his cheeks.

“It’s okay, you know.”

“Yeah, no, I know,” Steve stammered. “I just…” What exactly was he going to say?

“Go talk to him,” Natasha suggested.

“This is stupid,” Steve said, shaking his head.

“You’ve been throwing each other pining looks for hours now. He’s not gonna reject you.”

That was absolutely not helpful. “No, I mean, I’m not…” He let the sentence drift off as he locked eyes with the stranger again. To make matters worse, the man decided this was a good time to nibble on his lower lip, making them even redder than they’d already been. Jesus. 

“Steve,” Natasha said. The tone of her voice made him look at her. “You’re obviously interested. So is he. If this is nothing, that’s fine too. Just find out by talking to him.”

The thing was, he wasn’t sure if he was reluctant because this person was a man, or because the last time he approached someone he was interested in was in 1942 and, though that worked out in the end, that conversation went pretty disastrously. “Can we just sit here and get drunk?” Steve asked.

Nat shrugged. “Sure.” She downed her glass. “I’m gonna step outside for a sec.” Steve started to get up, but she motioned for him to sit back down. “Gonna call Clint.” 

“Oh okay, see you in a minute then,” Steve said.

She walked towards the back exit, which brought her close to the stranger’s table, of course. To Steve’s horrified surprise, he watched her pause next to the man, say something to him. The man grinned in response, then looked at Steve again. Natasha moved on towards the exit, while the man walked over to Steve’s table. Oh, Steve hated Nat. He hated her even more when he realized the man was only more attractive up close. He had beautiful blue-gray eyes that were currently twinkling with barely veiled mischief. 

“Your friend said you could use some company while she stepped out,” the man said.

“Oh my God, I’m going to kill her,” Steve groaned. 

The man had already moved to sit down, but stopped abruptly as he took in Steve’s words, leaving him in an awkward half-sitting, half-standing position. “Hey, listen, if you don’t want me here, that’s cool. It’s just, you were looking at me like that and then your friend…” he trailed off, having moved to stand upright again.

“No, it’s just, I’ve never…” Steve gestured vaguely. “You don’t have to go,” he added more quietly. Now that he was actually within reach, the part of Steve that hadn’t been touched properly since 1945 told him he shouldn’t let him go just because he was embarrassed and awkward.

The man sat down. “Never what? Picked someone up at a bar? Picked up a guy?”

Steve felt that treacherous blush again. “Both.” 

The man snorted. “I find that hard to believe.”

“Why’s that?” Steve asked, wide-eyed, genuinely curious.

“Have you looked in the mirror lately? How does this not happen to you all the time?” 

Steve smiled. He felt a warmth in his chest at the man’s words. “Maybe my friend scared them off. She can be pretty intimidating,” Steve said.

“Yeah, no shit. I thought she was coming over to kick my ass for staring at her boyfriend all night.”

Steve laughed. “Yeah, you wouldn’t survive that. Neither would I, by the way.”

The man laughed in response. Steve decided right there and then it was his new favorite sound.

“So, just so we’re all on the same page here, this is not some weird ‘couple looking for a threesome’ scenario, right?” 

Steve’s eyes went wide. “What? No! That’s a thing?”

The man’s eyes narrowed. “Are you really this innocent, or is that some kind of act?”

“I’m not innocent,” Steve protested. “Just...old-fashioned, I guess.”

“Hmm,” the man hummed. “You’re cute,” he added decisively. “Especially when you blush.”

Steve drained his glass, feeling the Asgardian liquor burning through his veins and making all kinds of terrible decisions seem entirely reasonable.

The man ordered new drinks for both of them, moving closer to Steve in their booth. “I’m Bucky, by the way,” he said.

“Steve,” Steve replied, only thinking of giving a fake name when the word had already left his mouth. Hopefully Bucky wouldn’t recognize him now. He didn’t want to ruin this, this exciting, exhilarating feeling, by having to admit that he is, in fact, Captain America. Tonight, he was just Steve.

Weirdly, hearing Bucky’s name only made him more excited. It sounded like something not quite from this day and age, and therefore familiar. Steve was still adjusting to the new world he woke up in. “Bucky,” he began, “how’d you end up with a name like that?”

Bucky smiled. “Middle name is Buchanan,” he explained. “Everyone calls me Bucky.”

It didn’t escape Steve’s notice that Bucky’s didn’t offer his first name, though he could hardly blame him. If this thing went south, it probably wouldn’t be hard to find him if Steve knew his first _and_ rather unusual middle name. It occurred to Steve again that he really should have given a fake name.

Bucky was now sitting so close that their thighs were pressed together under the table. Their drinks arrived and without thinking, Steve spiked his once again with the last of the Asgardian liquor. He needed the liquid courage, now more than ever.

“What’s that?” Bucky asked.

Jesus, his head was really not in the game tonight. He couldn’t let Bucky have this because for one, if it made Steve drunk, it would make regular people pass out, and two, Bucky might think Steve was trying to drug him and he did not want to mess this up. Goddammit. “Uhh I...a friend made it. Sorta experimental,” he said.

Bucky cocked his head. “What’s in it?”

Steve laughed. “God only knows.” He took a sip, trying to cover up the awkwardness he was feeling. 

“You got me curious now,” Bucky said, smirking and moving even closer. Steve was trying to think of an effective way to deter Bucky, when he spoke again. “Think I need a taste,” he said, but instead of focusing on Steve’s glass, he was staring at his lips. Oh.

Steve swallowed thickly, feeling Bucky’s hand on the back of his head, pulling him in and finally kissing him. Steve wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol in his system or Bucky’s lips on his, or maybe both, but it felt like he was floating. Bucky’s tongue brushed against his lips and he opened them to let him in. His own hands gravitated towards Bucky’s hair and back, while Bucky’s other hand steadily climbed up Steve’s thigh. 

When Bucky pulled back, he licked his lips, as if to taste the booze on them, and with a grin he said, “Don’t think I got a proper taste of that moonshine.” He put on a very unconvincing pout. “Think I’m gonna have to try again.” 

Steve laughed and went along eagerly. He kissed Bucky back with just as much fervor, relishing the feel of Bucky, the way this somehow felt normal, even though he'd never done this with a man, and even with a woman, it had last happened seventy years ago.

Bucky’s hand had stopped traveling up his thigh, just short of the growing bulge in Steve’s jeans, and he both desperately wanted Bucky’s hand to continue on its path and felt grateful that Bucky had stopped. He wasn’t thinking straight, that much was certain.

Bucky pulled back again. “So...thoughts?” 

“On what?”

“Making out with a guy,” Bucky supplied helpfully, still grinning.

“Hmm,” Steve said, as if he needed to consider his answer. “I don’t know. Think I need some more convincing.” 

Steve wasn’t sure how long they spent kissing, their movements getting more heated as time passed, never once tiring of it. Steve hadn’t realized how much he’d missed this, how much he needed this. He was sure there was a desperate edge to his kisses, but he couldn’t care less. And to make matters worse, Bucky was one hell of a kisser. 

He was only distracted when he heard his phone buzz on their table and he realized he’d completely forgotten about Nat. He broke the kiss to check his phone.

_**[Looked like you were having a really good time without me ;). I went home. Go get laid and I’ll see you tomorrow]** _

Steve blushed at the text, which of course did not escape Bucky’s attention. “That was my friend,” Steve said, quickly closing the text. “To let me know she went home.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows. “I need to get me a wingman like that.” He frowned then. “She gonna be okay, though? It’s late.”

And Steve knew right there and then that he was a lost cause. The fact that Bucky thought to ask that question warmed his heart in ways that had very little to do with lust. “Yeah, any guy who tries anything would end up in the hospital.” He’d had this conversation with Natasha not long after they first met and she’d just given him a look that said, “I’d like to see them try.” Steve smiled at the memory. He took another sip, feeling the burn as it went down once again.

“Okay, good,” Bucky said, looking genuinely relieved. “So, where were we?” He pulled Steve in again and continued right where they left off.

They were practically glued together until Bucky’s friends came over to tell them they were leaving. Bucky told them to go ahead without him.

As his friends were walking towards the exit, Bucky turned towards Steve. “You wanna come back to mine? No pressure, though.”

Steve considered it for a moment. If he wasn’t kind of drunk, he probably would have said no. He wouldn’t have even let it get this far in this first place. He also definitely would have regretted sober-Steve’s actions. So he nodded and tried not to sound completely breathless when he said, “Yeah.”

Steve barely had enough brain cells left to remember to tip well and then they were out of the bar, Bucky leading the way to his apartment, which was thankfully within walking distance. Bucky had grabbed his hand as soon as they left the bar, intertwining their fingers. Steve tried not to think about how right that felt. 

Bucky’s apartment was up on the sixth floor of an apartment building that had an old-fashioned look but was otherwise in good shape. Steve didn’t have time to take in Bucky’s actual apartment; as soon as they were in the door, Bucky kissed him, trailed kisses along the column of his neck, pushed him gently against the wall, and Steve went more than willingly.

“Let me know if you want to stop,” Bucky said in between kisses.

“Hmm,” Steve replied vaguely. Stopping was the last thing on his mind. His hands landed on the small of Bucky’s back, pulling him in closer, feeling Bucky’s leg in between his, trying to find some friction and relief.

Bucky took that as his go ahead sign; he began unbuttoning Steve’s shirt while sucking bruises into his neck. He pushed Steve’s shirt off his shoulders, pulled back to look at him, and actually sucked in a breath. “Jesus Christ,” he whispered. He let his hands roam over Steve’s chest for a minute, then took his hand and said, “C’mon.”

Steve threw him a puzzled look.

“Listen, as much as I’d love to, you’re not losing your gay virginity in my hallway. You gotta at least be in a bed or something.” He pulled Steve down the hall through to the living room and into a room on their right, Steve’s heart beating wildly in his chest all the while.

Bucky gave Steve a gentle push, so Steve let himself fall onto the bed, sitting upright. Bucky climbed in his lap and pushed Steve down. He looked at Steve’s neck, frowned, and muttered, “Thought I just saw a mark there. Oh well,” and continued sucking another hickey in his neck.

Steve, meanwhile, was getting frustrated that Bucky was still fully clothed. He pulled at the hem of Bucky’s henley and Bucky stopped long enough for Steve to pull the shirt off over his head. Steve wanted to get a good look at him. He was definitely muscled, though much leaner than Steve. He had a smattering of dark chest hair and a trail that disappeared into the waistband of his jeans. Steve groaned at the sight.

Bucky moved from Steve’s neck to his chest, then further down until he came to Steve’s waistband. He put his hands on Steve’s belt, asked, “This okay?” and waited for Steve to nod before proceeding to take off his jeans. Bucky went to slide them off, realized Steve was still wearing his shoes, so he made quick work of both, leaving Steve in his boxers, visibly hard.

Bucky licked his lips, and Steve threw him a pointed look, nodding at Bucky’s own jeans. Bucky grinned and took them off quickly, taking his briefs with him.

Steve swallowed heavily. Bucky was standing there, gloriously naked, definitely very hard.

“You still good?” Bucky asked.

“Yeah,” Steve replied, and it sounded desperate even to his own ears.

Bucky knelt in between his legs, hand finding the outline of Steve’s cock, stroking it through his underwear.

Steve hadn’t been touched like this in so long, it was overwhelming in the best way possible. 

Bucky finally pulled Steve’s underwear down and his eyes nearly bulged out of his head. “Holy shit.” 

Steve’s eyes rolled back in his head at the feel of Bucky’s hand on his cock.

“How are you even real?” Bucky asked breathlessly. He didn’t wait for an answer, just lowered his head to take Steve into his mouth, suckling softly at first before moving to take more and more down.

Steve moaned loudly, tried his best to remember that it would be rude to thrust his hips the way he wanted to. The pressure of Bucky’s mouth combined with the fact that he was essentially touch-starved was quickly transforming into the familiar pressure of an impending orgasm. “Buck,” he moaned. “I’m close.” 

Bucky looked up at him, pulling off, his hand immediately replacing his mouth. A couple of strokes and his thumb brushing the slit and that was it. Steve moaned as he came on Bucky’s hand and his own chest.

Of course, that was when the serum betrayed him. He hadn’t gone soft. It wasn’t an issue when he was by himself and it hadn’t been an issue with Peggy - to the contrary - but he was trying to be a normal guy tonight. This might be the thing that finally allowed Bucky to put two and two together. 

But to this surprise, Bucky just looked at him with wide eyes. “You not done yet, huh?” Bucky said. He began stroking Steve again. “I’m beginning to think I actually did dream you up.”

Steve laughed. “Nope,” he said. As if to prove it, he reached out to return the favor, feeling the weight of Bucky’s cock in his hand, feeling heady with it as he stroked him in return. 

Bucky leaned forward to kiss Steve again, rutting against him, moaning softly against Steve’s lips. “Faster, Steve,” he pleaded, and Steve couldn’t possibly deny him.

Both their hands sped up, the sounds of their moans filling the room. Bucky buried his face in Steve’s shoulder, thrust into Steve’s hand a few more times, and stilled. Steve felt his release spread on his hand and between their bellies. That feeling, the knowledge that he’d gotten Bucky to that point, pushed him over the edge, spurting between their bodies.

Bucky grabbed his henley off the floor to wipe them clean and collapsed next to Steve. He nuzzled against Steve’s neck for a while until his breathing slowed and he fell asleep. Steve followed not long after.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is hungover and a little awkward and Bucky is in for a surprise.

Steve woke up, legs tangled in someone else’s, head pounding. The events of the night before slowly came back to him. Next to him, Bucky was snoring softly. Steve’s stomach attempted a flip at the sight of him. He looked adorable.

Bucky’s snoring subsided and he opened his eyes, blinking blearily before smiling up at Steve. “Good morning.” Bucky groaned as soon as the words left his mouth. “I don’t know about you, but I could use a greasy breakfast.”

“Yeah, yeah, me too,” Steve said. His mouth felt like a grave.

Neither of them moved to get up for another half hour or so, too lazy to actually set their plan in motion.

Finally, Bucky decided his need for food outweighed everything else, pulled on a clean pair of underwear and made his way to the kitchen.

Steve followed him, finding his boxers on the floor where they left them the night before and pulling them on. He offered to help Bucky, who just shushed him and told him to sit at the kitchen table.

The smell of eggs and bacon soon filled the kitchen. The apartment had a nice view, the Brooklyn bridge visible in the distance, the familiarity of the environment soothing Steve. He was slightly uncomfortable with this whole situation. It wasn’t like he was used to waking up next to someone, let alone a virtual stranger. At the same time, he couldn’t find it in himself to regret what he’d done, aside maybe from the massive hangover with which he now had to deal. 

He turned back to Bucky to find him staring at Steve.

“Hey, anyone ever tell you you kinda look like…” His voice trailed off. Steve could practically see the pieces fall into place. The name, the tiny redhead who could kick anyone’s ass, the hickeys that faded too soon, Steve’s insane body. “Oh,” Bucky said. “Oh, shit.”

“Yeah,” Steve said, seeing no point in trying to deny it. He was a terrible liar anyway. 

“Are you telling me I sucked Captain America’s dick last night?” Bucky asked, bewildered.

Steve felt himself go scarlet. “Uh, yeah.” 

“Holy fucking shit. No wonder I thought you weren’t real. Holy shit.”

Steve couldn’t tell if Bucky was angry with him for not telling him sooner. “I didn’t mean to deceive you, I just…” He nervously ran a hand through his hair. 

“Hey, no, I get that.” Bucky paused, a frown forming on his forehead. “Wait, can Captain America even be queer?”

Steve grimaced at the word. “Evidently.”

“No, I mean like, are you gonna get in trouble for this?”

“I don’t know,” Steve replied honestly. The thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. SHIELD had been quite protective of him and took great pains to ensure his private life would remain mostly private. He had suspected there might be a darker side to that protection and now that Bucky mentioned it, they might not be too happy with this turn of events. 

Bucky was still staring at him, wide-eyed. “Jesus fucking Christ.” He let out a vaguely hysterical laugh. “I can’t believe this.” The smell of burning eggs reminded Bucky he’d been making breakfast and he quickly set about trying to salvage the food. “Shit, I’m gonna have to start over.”

Bucky focused on the food this time, leaving Steve to his own devices for a little while. He still wasn’t sure how Bucky felt about all this, except shocked. 

Finally Bucky set the table and joined Steve. “So,” he began as he sat down, “should I worry about secret agents busting down my door and making me sign an NDA?”

“Uh, I don’t think so.” He wasn’t sure what SHIELD would do if they found out, but then, he wasn’t really planning on telling them either. If it was up to Steve, nobody would have to know what happened except the two of them, and maybe Nat. He took a sip of his tea. “But maybe don’t go telling everyone you know?”

“They wouldn’t believe me anyway,” Bucky said, smiling. They ate in companionable silence, Steve relaxing a bit now that he was pretty sure Bucky was okay with this.

“Wait, what was in that booze of yours?”

Steve laughed. “Thor gave it to me. It’s the only thing that can get me drunk. Pretty sure it’s just pure alcohol.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Thor, god of Thunder, gave that to you?” Bucky laughed, his eyes crinkling at the corners. Steve had the sudden urge to kiss him again, hungover grave-mouth be damned.

“It’s definitely not meant for mere mortals,” Steve joked.

“Yeah, no shit. Nothing else can get you drunk?” Bucky asked.

Steve shook his head. “Not that I know of, my metabolism’s too fast.”

“Hmm,” Bucky replied thoughtfully. “That also why coming once didn’t do the trick?”

Steve’s face went bright red again, his cheeks burning. Blushing was one thing the serum had never been able to fix. “I guess.”

Bucky grinned wolfishly. “Okay, I gotta ask, how many times can you come?”

He didn’t think it possible, but his face burned even hotter. “My record is five,” he said, not looking at Bucky. 

“Holy shit,” Bucky whispered, almost reverently. 

Peggy had had that same curiosity, wanted to see how far Steve could go. They hadn’t been able to try very often, but one particularly eventful night she had gotten him to five. 

“I’m kinda sad I didn’t get to see that,” Bucky said, eyes twinkling mischievously. 

Steve swallowed thickly. “You still might.” He said it lightly enough that he could pass it off as a joke, should Bucky be freaked out by the suggestion they do this again sometime. He couldn’t blame his desire on alcohol this time. He already wanted to spend more time with Bucky, make him laugh, spend another night with him, sober this time.

“Don’t go making promises you can’t keep,” Bucky replied, fixing him with a stare. The moment passed when Steve broke eye contact. “So you really weren’t putting on an act when you said you’d never picked up a guy before?” Bucky asked, not allowing any awkwardness to set in.

Steve shook his head.

“I guess the military would’ve flipped their shit if they knew America’s golden boy was queer, huh?”

Steve felt that treacherous blush again. He could lie by omission, just nod and silently agree with Bucky, but he’d already lied by omission to Bucky once and he wasn’t going to do it again. “I didn’t really know. Not until last night.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows, stared at him for a moment. “I was Captain America’s queer awakening,” he said quietly, more to himself than to Steve. “Jesus.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry, I keep doing that.”

Steve frowned. “Doing what?”

“Treating you like an icon instead of a person. I read about you in my history books, you know? It’s like I have this idea of you, but I don’t even know you.”

“It’s weird for me too, if that helps. It’s not like I enlisted to be an American icon.” All he had wanted to do was help, however he could. Project Rebirth just happened to be the thing that allowed him to fulfill that goal.

“So tell me something about Steve Rogers,” Bucky said.

Steve considered for a moment. Much of his private life had already been poured over by various historians. The only details hidden from the public pertained to his life after coming out of the ice, now almost a year ago. “I like catching up on pop culture,” he said. “I keep a list of things to watch, or read, or listen to.”

Bucky smiled. “See, I always thought you’d be this grumpy old man who tells the kids everything was better back in his day.”

Steve laughed. “God, no. This would’ve been more difficult, for one,” he said, gesturing to himself and Bucky.

“Hmm. You miss it though?” When Steve didn’t answer immediately, he hastily added, “You don’t have to answer if it’s too personal.”

“No, that’s okay.” Steve wasn’t sure if it was because Bucky was the first and only person he’d had sex with in this century, or if it was something else entirely, but he felt he could confide in him. “I miss...people, mostly. And everything’s changed so much I barely recognize the neighborhood I grew up in anymore. It’s...disorienting sometimes.”

Bucky nodded. “I can’t even imagine.” 

“But it’s good to be here, you know? Diseases that used to kill so many children have been practically wiped out. You guys do things in your daily life that I couldn’t even dream of as a kid. It’s just, sometimes it’s hard to meet people. Everyone has this preconceived notion of me. So I was glad when you didn’t recognize me. I just wanted to be a regular guy. So thank you for that.”

“I think you’d need to thank the insane number of cocktails I had last night. But any time, Steve,” he said, sounding like he really meant it. “Hey, can I take a look at that list of yours?”

“I don’t have it on me,” Steve said. “I could text you a picture later?” he suggested, in part because that way he could share the list, but also because it was a convenient excuse to get Bucky’s number. He’d never been particularly smooth about this kind of thing, something for which Natasha gently poked fun at him. Whatever this turned into, Steve didn’t want to let someone who made him feel so at ease go just yet. Bucky smiled as if he knew exactly why Steve had suggested texting him that picture and entered his number in Steve’s phone. It was the first phone number not belonging to anyone at SHIELD that Steve added to his list of contacts, though he didn’t tell Bucky that. 

Steve didn’t want to overstay his welcome, so after taking a quick shower, he headed back to the tower.

Natasha cornered him in one of their shared spaces that same afternoon. “So, what happened after I left?” 

Steve looked around, not wanting anyone to overhear them. “I went home with him,” he said, with only the barest hint of a blush on his cheeks. He was almost proud of himself. 

Natasha grinned. “Well, look at you.” 

“If you tell Stark, I’ll tell him about you and Clint,” Steve warned, echoing her threat from last night.

She held up her hands. “Wouldn’t dare.” 

It wasn’t that he _disliked_ Tony. It was just that Tony was the kind of abrasive and forward that Steve wasn’t used to. Plus, he seemed to hold a grudge towards Steve, although Steve wasn’t sure why. In any case, he didn’t really need Tony’s snarky comments when he was trying to deal with what just happened himself. 

“So, you into this guy, right?” Natasha asked.

Steve shrugged, tried to play it casual. “Dunno.” The truth was, he could hardly stop thinking about last night. And even when he did, he’d start thinking of those stupid lines at the corners of his eyes and that smile and his eyes and yeah, he was _definitely_ into Bucky.

Natasha smiled at him. “Yeah, you are. So go do something about it.”

He waved her off, but her words kept ringing in his head. Steve texted Bucky later that day to thank him for breakfast and he found himself craving Bucky’s company more and more. They spent several weeks texting back and forth, not really talking about anything of substance, which Steve loved. Bucky sent him funny pictures, which he called memes, and half the time Steve didn’t even know what he was looking at, but it made him laugh nonetheless. Most of Steve’s life had become so serious - even before he crashed that plane - it was a breath of fresh air to discuss a dumb movie every now and then. Sometimes their conversations turned slightly flirtatious, Bucky making an offhand comment that left Steve with fluttering butterflies in his belly. 

In the end, he sent a text simply saying, “I’d like to see you again,” and promptly put his phone away for fear of receiving an immediate rejection. Except for their first night and the occasional flirty text, their conversations had been strictly friendly, nothing more. 

But when his phone buzzed a few minutes later, he couldn’t _not_ look. 

_**[why captain rogers, i’m shocked. is this a booty call?]** _

Steve stared at his phone. That hadn’t been his intention at all, though his dick seemed plenty excited by the idea.

**[No, God, no I meant like a date?]** He hit send, even less certain of himself than when he’d sent the first text.

His heart felt like it was trying to beat its way out of his chest. It took four excruciatingly long minutes for the reply to come in.

_**[okay, what do you wanna do?]** _

Steve hadn’t actually thought that far ahead. He wasn’t sure he could be seen with Bucky in public. He hadn’t told anyone except Natasha about the night he met Bucky, and the more he thought about it, the more certain he became that things would become infinitely more complicated if his attraction to men became public knowledge.

**[We might have to be discreet. Dinner at yours? I could cook.]**

Steve waited for the reply, which took even longer this time. It was uncharacteristic for Bucky to take so long to reply. He started to worry, wondering if he’d said the wrong thing somehow.

_**[let’s cook something together]**_ Bucky suggested. _**[friday at 7?]**_

Steve smiled brightly, relieved that Bucky’s silence hadn’t meant rejection. **[Sounds good.]** he texted back, already excited about Friday night. 


	3. Chapter 3

Friday was two days away and Steve’s nerves were all shot to hell. Natasha had helped him buy a new outfit: tight-fitting black jeans and a blue shirt that Natasha assured him brought out his eyes. Thankfully, she’d kept her promise and none of the others knew about Bucky. Steve had a hard enough time adjusting as it was, he could do without snarky comments about his love life. Natasha was the only one who got a free pass, mostly because she knew exactly when to bring it up and when to give it a break. 

He knocked on Bucky’s door a few minutes after seven. Bucky looked stunning, black skinny jean and a simple white tee that was vaguely see-through. Steve’s mouth went a little dry. There was a bit more scruff on his jaw than the last time Steve saw him. It suited him, made him look just the right kind of messy.

“Hi,” Bucky said, opening the door further to let him in. “You look good,” he added, letting his eyes roam over Steve.

“You too,” Steve said, feeling like he just uttered the understatement of the century.

Bucky led him to the kitchen and handed him an apron. “I was thinking burgers?” Bucky asked. “Special recipe of mine.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

Bucky nodded and went to work, directing Steve to cut some vegetables, though Bucky did most of the work. Music Steve didn’t recognize was playing in the background, keeping their silences from being too awkward. Steve could feel some uncomfortable tension between them. It might be because he was Captain America, or because this was just normal first date awkwardness, or maybe something else entirely. Steve starting worrying at the edge of his apron, his hands otherwise unoccupied. 

Bucky came up to him, took his hand in both of his. “I’m almost done. Set the table, yeah?” 

Steve remembered where everything was from last time he was here, trying very hard not to dwell on that particular memory too much right now, grateful he had something to do. He took the apron off, figuring he wouldn’t need it anymore. 

Bucky followed him to the table, carrying the food, and taking off his own apron before sitting down. 

Steve took a bite, his eyes nearly rolling back in his eyes. “Oh my God, that’s amazing.”

Bucky smiled brightly at the compliment. “I do know how to cook.” 

“Clearly.”

“Can I ask you something?” 

Steve nodded, his mouth full.

“If you hadn’t become, you know, Captain America, what would you be?”

Steve swallowed his bite. “An artist,” he said without thinking. “Or at least, that’s what I would’ve wanted to be.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah, I went to art school before the war.” 

“What kind of art?” Bucky asked.

“Mostly charcoal drawings.” Steve shrugged. “I did some watercolors too, but the supplies were more expensive. Easier to afford some paper and a few pencils.”

Bucky nodded in understanding.

“What about you?” Steve asked. Bucky hadn’t actually shared much of his life in their texts. 

“I’m in engineering, but I’m not really where I want to be. I’d love to work on my own stuff, you know? Maybe prosthetics for vets. They’re making incredible advancements in that field.”

“I could ask Tony some time, if you want me to,” Steve suggested.

Bucky’s eyes became adorably big. “Tony Stark?” He laughed, running a hand through his hair. “This is unreal.”

Steve laughed along with him. “God, I know.” His life was still bizarre to himself. It wasn’t just that he woke up in a different century. He felt like his brain was still trying to catch up with the fact that he became a national icon, let alone everything that happened since. He finished the last bite of the burger. “This was so good, thanks Buck.” 

“I’ve got more if you want.” Bucky smiled and added, “I wasn’t sure how much you’d eat.”

Steve shook his head. “I’m good for now.” 

They cleared the table and did the dishes together. After, Bucky pulled Steve over to the couch.

“So, as part of your modern day education, I think it’s time for a queer cinema classic,” Bucky began, his face serious. He pulled out a DVD case, holding it up to Steve’s face so he could read the title.

“I think I’ve seen the first one. Tony said the rest was no good,” Steve said carefully. Tony had been very adamant that Steve watch the original - definitely not the remake - and the original only.

“Tsk. _Freddy’s Revenge_ is a must see. It’s the gayest horror movie ever made,” Bucky argued. “I mean, sure, it’s not actually a _good_ movie, but it’s still a classic.” 

Bucky was right. This movie was not good. In fact, it was some of the worst cinema Steve had ever seen. But it was also incredibly gay; the metaphors for queerness were barely even metaphors anymore. Bucky seemed delighted by the pulp currently displayed on his TV screen. Steve just sat back and let the movie wash over him.

Near the end, Bucky started to get distracted. His hand, which had started on Steve’s knee, had crept up his thigh and he started mouthing at the side of Steve’s neck.

“I thought you said this was an iconic movie that I had to see,” Steve said.

“Time for another quintessential modern day experience: making out during a horror movie,” Bucky explained. 

Steve didn’t need more of an excuse to go along enthusiastically. He finally kissed Bucky for the first time since the night they met. The end credits for the movie came and went, though neither of them noticed. 

Steve had no idea how much time had passed when they finally broke apart. Bucky’s hair was mussed, his lips even redder than usual. He looked perfect. “Thanks for, uh, continuing my modern education,” Steve said, already wanting to continue right where they left off.

“You’re ridiculous.” Bucky laughed. “And any time,” he added, kissing Steve briefly to prove his point. He turned off the TV and got a glass of water for himself. When he came back, he shuffled in his seat, looking uncomfortable. He opened his mouth a few times as if to say something, then changed his mind again. 

Finally, he spoke. “Steve,” he began, “there’s no good time to do this, so I’ll just say it now.” He took a deep breath. “I understand you want to be discreet because of the whole national icon thing and I went along with it tonight because I like you, I really do, you’re obviously a sweet guy and _really_ fucking hot, but really down to earth despite the whole, well, you know.” He gestured to Steve’s body. “But I can’t go back in the closet. Not for anyone. Not even Captain America. I promised myself I would never hide myself again. I can’t be your dirty little secret.” Red splotches had formed on his cheeks and only now that he was done talking, he looked Steve straight in the eye.

Steve hadn’t even thought of what hiding would mean to Bucky. Everyone told him the world had become so much more tolerant in the intervening years. It simply didn’t occur to him that might not hold true for everyone. It must’ve been why it had taken Bucky unusually long to respond to his texts a few days ago. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to put you in that position.” He bit his lip. “So it was hard, to come out, I mean?” Steve asked. “If you want to talk about that,” he added hastily.

“Yeah, it’s fine, I brought it up myself. My parents are very religious. Catholic. My father caught me kissing another boy during a sleepover. They sent me to talk to the priest. My parents and him decided reparative therapy was the best fix. Thought they could turn me straight. Didn’t stop me being gay, obviously, it just made me hate myself.

“I made sure I got good grades. I wanted a scholarship so I could get out of Indiana and I wouldn’t have to depend on my parents. I got into Columbia, left them a note telling them I was still gay. Told them they could contact me if they were ready to accept me as gay. Haven’t heard from them since. My sister visits me, though.”

Steve was staring at Bucky. “I’m so sorry, Buck.”

Bucky smiled. “Yeah, me too. That was ten years ago, though. I’ve built a new family here.”

“When did you know?” Steve asked. 

Bucky pondered the question for a moment or two. “I think the realization that I was in love with my friend came when I was 16. But then a lot of other stuff fell into place, you know?” 

Steve nodded. That was how he had felt ever since he first met Bucky. Suddenly he realized he’d had some of these feelings before, though he had never allowed himself to explore them because he’d been so certain he was attracted to women and if he was attracted to women, why even bother with men? In retrospect, he could see how blind he’d been to his own feelings.

Bucky snorted all of a sudden. “Maybe my first hint should have been when someone set my hair on fire during my Confirmation,” he said, laughing. “Pretty clear sign my queer ass wasn’t welcome in the church.”

Steve laughed disbelievingly. “That really happened?”

“Yeah, I mean, I was fine, it was only on fire for a few seconds. But yeah, should’ve known then.” Bucky laughed as he told the story, but quickly turned serious again. “Anyway, I understand if you can’t be out and I don’t want to make this sound like an ultimatum, it’s just, I hope you understand where I’m coming from, too. I figured it was best to get this out of the way now, instead of down the road, if things get more serious, you know?”

Steve nodded. “I never even stopped to think about this. I’m sorry, Buck.”

“It’s okay. Just, think it over, alright?” Bucky said, taking hold of Steve’s hand.

Steve nodded, though he knew he’d already made up his mind. He’d never been good with rules he couldn’t understand to begin with. He’d never had a problem with stirring up a fuss, despite the reputation he knew he’d garnered during the decades he was in the ice. So he wasn’t going to stop seeing Bucky just because SHIELD might have a meltdown if they found out. Let them. Steve would deal with it then. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're thinking, "it's so on the nose that a queer character would be on fire in a church, that would never happen in real life," let me tell you that this 100% happened to me during my own Catholic Confirmation :').
> 
> Edit 25 July: Y'all are very sweet, a bunch of you have expressed concern for me in the comments based on this note, but let me assure you, like Bucky, I was totally fine and this incident was probably an accident. Looking back on it now, I just think it's funny cause really, what are the odds of this happening to a queer kid in church?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw Spider-Man: Homecoming a few weeks ago and obviously I had to find a way to include those PSAs in this fic.
> 
> Also, this chapter is a bit nsfw and there's some homophobic comments.

Steve texted him the next day, intent on not leaving Bucky hanging in the air. 

**[Wanna go out for drinks?]** he texted, figuring that the underlying message would be clear enough.

Bucky’s affirmative answer came in less than a minute later. That night, Steve was on his way to a bar, the address of which had been sent to him earlier that night by Bucky. He decided not to bring Thor’s booze with him tonight. He didn’t want to be drunk for this. 

Bucky was already waiting for him outside of the bar when he arrived. As they went in and settled at a table in a corner, it struck Steve how stunning Bucky looked in the dim light of the bar. Bucky talked about his time in college, where he met his best friends Sam and Wanda. He talked about his involvement in the queer community and the things he believed in. He talked about how important it was to him to fight for those things. Steve chimed in here and there, especially when the topic turned to activism. Steve could understand that.

Steve, for his part, talked about his life growing up, about his mom, but also about the movies he’d been watching, the music he’d been listening to, Bucky either humming in approval or clacking his tongue in disapproval.

“Who the hell recommended Taylor Swift to you?” Bucky asked, sounding almost offended.

“Hey, I liked ‘Shake it Off!’” Steve protested. 

Bucky laughed. “You’re ridiculous.” He leaned closer, pulling Steve in by his shirt to kiss him. It was much gentler than the kisses they’d shared last time they were at a bar, Bucky apparently content to take his sweet time with Steve. When they finally broke apart, Bucky said, “Can’t believe we hadn’t done that yet tonight.” He kissed Steve again for good measure. “And add Lady Gaga to your list, please.”

They spent the rest of the evening talking and kissing, until finally Steve decided he might as well go back to Bucky’s place again and spend the night. 

\---

This time, waking up in Bucky’s apartment was far less awkward. They’d gone to sleep pretty soon after they’d arrived at Bucky’s place, Bucky having been far drunker than he’d let on initially and practically falling into a coma as soon as his head hit the pillow. 

Steve had been awake for a while and finally decided he could get started on breakfast. He knew his way around Bucky’s apartment well enough by now to know where to find most of the stuff he’d need.

Admittedly, he wasn’t a great cook, but he could do breakfast. He found the ingredients for pancakes, silently thanking Bucky for having a well-stocked kitchen. He was just finishing up the last pancake of the batch when he felt two arms wind around his waist, Bucky pressing a kiss to his neck.

“Hmm, smells good.” He settled his head on Steve’s shoulder. “The pancakes too.”

Steve laughed and turned around to properly kiss Bucky. “Good morning to you too.” 

Bucky kissed him back sleepily. It took him a while to really wake up, mostly helped along by a few cups of coffee.

“Do you have today off?” Bucky asked. 

Steve shrugged. “I guess. Unless some evil mastermind decides to attack New York today.” They hadn’t discussed Steve’s job much, Bucky having tried to avoid the subject in favor of getting to know _Steve_ instead of Captain America, and Steve having not been particularly eager to change that. 

“So you’re on call 24/7?”

“Something like it. If it’s an emergency. There’s not many of those, though,” Steve explained.

“What about the rest of the time?” Bucky asked. “You don’t have regular hours at all?” 

“We have meetings with the team sometimes. And we get sent on tactical missions whenever they need us. And then there’s the promotional stuff,” Steve said, rolling his eyes at the last part.

Bucky cocked his head. “What kind of stuff? Have I seen this?” 

Steve had a feeling he was going to regret this. “You have to promise not to laugh.” 

Bucky grinned. “I’ll try?” 

“No, you won’t,” Steve replied good-naturedly. “They had me do these PSAs aimed at teenagers, telling them not to get in trouble and stuff. It was just after I’d come out of the ice.” 

Bucky was already laughing. “No way.”

“Yeah. They tried to make me relate to the kids by sitting on a chair backwards.” Steve still cringed at the thought. “There was this one about how puberty makes your body go through all these changes and it makes some kids act out,” Steve said, still disgruntled about it.

Bucky snorted loudly. “No offense babe, but if I was a teenager and I had to watch a video of Captain America telling me to behave, I’d have told him to suck my dick.” 

Steve turned the color of a tomato, but tried his best to cover for it. “I told them it was a stupid idea, but they acted like I didn’t understand modern-day kids. As if teenagers have changed that much,” he said. 

“I guess they counted on kids thinking your image was squeaky-clean, instead of knowing how much of a troublemaker you were, huh?” Bucky said.

“As if any teenager would ever listen to a guy like that,” Steve said. “They still use ‘em in schools. God knows why.” 

“I can think of a reason,” Bucky replied, eyes twinkling. “Those kids probably don’t mind looking at you. They’ll just tune out your voice,” he teased.

“Oh thanks,” Steve said sarcastically. “That’s such a relief.” 

Bucky moved out of his seat, sat in Steve’s lap. “Don’t worry babe, I love listening to you talk.”

\---

Over the next few weeks, they kept going on dates as often as Steve’s schedule would allow - which wasn’t nearly often enough. He found himself thinking of Bucky more and more often; of his smile, his eyes, his voice. They texted a lot, though Steve preferred phone calls, for which Bucky called him old-fashioned, but he went along with it anyway to humor Steve.

After their first date, Steve and Bucky had agreed not to hide, though they wouldn’t try to attract too much attention either. It was a compromise that suited both Bucky’s need for visibility and Steve’s need for privacy. Steve wasn’t sure if he was supposed disclose any of this to SHIELD. Back when he’d started seeing Peggy, he’d had to disclose their relationship to the SSR. They had been clear to him: it was fine, as long as he was discreet. They just couldn’t have an American icon get caught with his pants around his ankles. But that had been in the middle of the war and they’d both been active service members. Things were different this time.

And besides, maybe times had changed, though a voice in the back of his head told him that if anything, the PR team would only be more invested in his private life in this day and age. Selfishly, he wanted to keep Bucky to himself. Bucky was the only normal part of his life now. Once SHIELD got involved, that would be tainted.

So he would just continue seeing Bucky, continue listening to his silly jokes, to his complaints about his boss, to his stories of a normal life. More often than not, they’d end up in a seedy bar, making out in a booth, half-shielded from everyone else.

Tonight, Steve decided he’d bring Thor’s liquor again. He wanted to feel lightheaded again for a change. Bucky grinned as he watched Steve spike his own drink. As usual, the effects were immediate. He pulled Bucky towards him, needing to share the heat currently flowing through his veins. The more he drank, the more reckless he became. He groped Bucky under the table, who responded in kind. He pressed his palm against the bulge in Bucky’s jeans and he groaned at the contact.

Steve felt younger than he had in years, aware of the years that had been taken from him by going to war. He _needed_ to feel young. He wanted to do the kinds of things young people got to do because they were wild and stupid and didn’t think of the consequences. He pulled Bucky up, dragged him to the restroom and pushed a bewildered Bucky into one of the stalls. He closed the stall door and sank to his knees in front of Bucky.

“Jesus, Steve,” Bucky said quietly, almost reverently, as Steve fumbled with Bucky’s belt.

“That a no?” Steve asked, the few remaining brain cells telling him he should probably check if Bucky was on board with this.

“Hell no,” Bucky replied, letting his head fall back to rest on the stall wall.

“Good,” Steve said. He pushed Bucky’s jeans and underwear down far enough to pull his cock out, stroked it a few times, watched it grow bigger in his hand.

“Steve, you’re killing me here,” Bucky moaned, one hand coming to rest on Steve’s head.

Finally, Steve did what he had set out to do and took Bucky into his mouth. He was acutely aware of the fact that he’d never done this before, so he took it slow. He pressed his tongue to the underside of Bucky’s cock, whose grip on Steve’s hair tightened in response. He mostly concentrated on the head, figuring he could try more advanced techniques when he wasn’t drunk on alien liquor, jerking off what he couldn’t fit in his mouth instead. Bucky’s moaning above him became incessant and increasingly louder.

“Steve, I’m gonna come,” Bucky groaned, loosening his grip on Steve’s hair to signal that Steve could pull off if he wanted to.

Steve was nothing if not stubborn, so he stayed right where he was, sucking a little harder, until he felt Bucky’s release coating his tongue. He tried to swallow everything as best he could.

Bucky looked dazed as Steve got on his feet. “Fuck, Steve. You should get drunk more often. You want me to…?” Bucky asked, nodding towards Steve’s visible erection in his jeans.

“Later,” Steve said, as he noticed for the first time these restrooms weren’t in the best of shape. Besides, he’d much rather be in Bucky’s bed. 

“Okay, well, in that case, can we pay the bill and go back to mine? Cause I really need to get you naked.” 

Steve nodded and kissed him, then walked directly to the bar to pay the bill. This was turning out to be a great night.

\---

The backlash was swift. Just days after their night at that bar, pictures emerged online of Steve and Bucky kissing in their booth and of the two of them exiting the men’s room, Steve’s hair thoroughly dishevelled, his lips swollen, an obvious erection visible in his jeans. Bucky didn’t look much better, his outfit a mess and clearly hastily put back together. 

The pictures were slid across the desk to Steve, a stern-looking PR woman staring him down as he took them in.

“You can imagine what a disaster this is,” she said.

Steve had already seen some of the comments. Some chose to speculate about the size of his penis and made lewd comments. Most were of a more disgusted tone because he was a national icon practically caught in the act, or because he was with a man, or most often, both. He nodded.

“We have to spin this,” she said contemplatively. “First, you have to apologize publicly. Tell the public it was a mistake, it was a one time deal. As long as it never happens again, we could salvage this. We’ll try to set up an interview for you as well. Bring up Peggy as much as you can, talk about your relationship with her. It’ll make you look good. People liked your relationship with her.”

Steve felt a pit form in his stomach as she talked. “This wasn’t a one time deal,” he said coolly.

She looked taken aback. “Captain, we’re trying to save your reputation here.”

Steve shook his head. “My private life has nothing to with Captain America.”

“Well, it’s not private anymore, is it?” she asked angrily, pointing to the pictures still exposed on the table. “You’re supposed to be a symbol for all Americans.”

The unsaid words hung in the air. He couldn’t be a symbol for all Americans if he was queer. “I don’t see the problem.” 

She sighed dramatically. “You can’t get caught up with all this identity politics nonsense. You have to remain neutral or it’ll damage the brand.”

“The brand?” Steve repeated loudly. “We’re talking about my life here. And you want me to break if off with him.” 

“Yes,” she said.

Steve’s jaw set. “I won’t.”

Her nostrils flared. “You know what you signed up for. Captain America is more important than any one individual. There are certain things you simply cannot do.”

“Like be with a man?” Steve shot back.

“Yes.” She sighed again. “Our priority is saving your image. You can’t be seen with him again. Captain America can’t be seen cruising.”

“I wasn’t…” Steve began, but he shut his mouth before he could finish that sentence. Even if he had been cruising, that still would’ve been nobody’s business but his own. He wasn’t going to let himself be goaded into defending something that shouldn’t need defending. “I’ll apologize for engaging publicly in indecent behavior. I will not apologize for it being with a man. If you can’t accept that, you can find someone else to carry the shield.” He got up and left her office.

\---

Back at the tower, Steve turned on the TV. Every news channel was discussing the pictures. A CNN guest suggested he should be stripped of the shield, though he was met with opposition from some of the other guests. Fox News ran a segment titled “Fallen Icon.”

There was a knock on his door. Steve expected it to be Natasha, but was surprised to see Tony standing in his doorway. Steve stepped aside to let him in. “You been watching the news?”

Tony scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah, uh, look, I know we’ve butted heads a lot, but I just want you to know I got your back on this. It’s none of their business anyway,” he said, looking slightly uncomfortable with his own level of earnesty. “And here I thought you were a virgin,” he added.

Steve snorted. That sounded more like the Tony he knew. “That ship sailed a long time ago. And thank you,” he added quietly. “They want me to lie and say it was a one time thing.” It pained him to even say it.

“You two together?” Tony asked.

Steve nodded. No point in hiding it from Tony anymore.

“Fuck them, then. It’s bullshit anyway. This is nothing compared to the shit they have on me and I barely got a slap on the wrist each time.” 

“Yeah, it’s…” Steve was interrupted by his phone ringing. Bucky.

“Steve, what the fuck. This woman just came to my apartment to tell me I can’t see you anymore. The pictures aren’t _that_ bad, are they?” Bucky ranted on the other end of the line.

“Yeah, she said the same thing to me. I told her I wasn’t going to dump you. What did you say to her?”

“I told her to get the fuck out of my apartment or I’d leak a story to the press about how good you are at sucking dick.”

Steve laughed. “You did not.” 

“I did. And they can’t sue me for defamation as long as what I’m saying is true. Which it is.”

Steve blushed bright red. 

“You’re about the color of a tomato right now, aren’t you?” Bucky asked, laughing loudly.

“No.”

“Jesus, you can’t even lie over the phone.” 

Tony cleared his throat. “Are you talking dirty on the phone right now? Cause listen, I respect your life and everything, but I really don’t need to be here for that.”

“Who’s that?” Bucky asked.

“Just Tony,” Steve replied.

“Excuse me, I am not ‘just Tony,’” Tony protested. 

“Just Tony,” Bucky echoed, disbelieving.

“Please don’t involve me in your weird geriatric sex talk,” Tony said loudly, so Bucky could hear every word. 

“Shut up, Tony,” Steve said, trying not to laugh. “Anyway,” he continued to Bucky, “I’m sorry about all this. I shouldn’t have dragged you into it.”

“No, no, no, I’m fine,” Bucky protested. “Hang on, there’s someone at the door” he said. There were some muffled sounds that Steve couldn’t quite make out, until he heard Bucky say in a raised voice, “Oh for fuck’s sake, don’t you people have anything better to do?” Steve heard the door slam. “Fucking reporter,” he grumbled to Steve. 

“Wait, what? How did they even find you?” Steve didn’t think SHIELD would leak that information.

“Dunno. Guess someone must have recognized me and thought they could get something out of it. Fucking hell.”

“What’s going on?” Tony asked, clearly aware that the tone of the conversation had shifted to something more serious.

“A reporter came to his door,” Steve explained. He pinched the bridge of his nose. He never meant to involve a civilian in this bullshit.

Tony frowned. “So ask him to come here.”

“To the Tower?” Steve asked.

Tony nodded. “It’s secure, nobody will bother the two of you while you’re here.”

“That’s...actually not a bad idea.” Steve wondered why he hadn’t thought of it himself.

“I am a certified genius, you know,” Tony said. 

Steve rolled his eyes at him. “Hey, so, if you want, you can come over to Stark Tower. You’ll have more privacy here,” he said to Bucky. “It’ll just be for a few days, until I figure out my next move,” Steve clarified. He wanted this resolved as soon as possible, but in the meantime, he wasn’t going to let Bucky get harassed by random reporters. He never asked for this life.

“It was my idea!” Tony shouted for Bucky’s benefit.

Bucky laughed. “Uh, yeah, I guess that would work.” He took a deep breath. “Just gonna be in the same building as all of the Avengers for a couple of days. Cool.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some NSFW elements.

Bucky arrived that Saturday afternoon with an overnight bag, looking a little stressed, but otherwise okay. Steve met him at the entrance, gave him a key of his own, and showed him up to his apartment. 

Of course, Jarvis had alerted Tony of Bucky’s arrival, so within minutes, Tony was back on Steve’s doorstep.

“Hey, I’m Tony,” he introduced himself, extending his hand.

Bucky shook his hand. “Bucky.” 

“Okay, well, Bucky, if you need anything, just tell Jarvis and he’ll get it done.”

“Jarvis?” Bucky asked, confused.

“My AI,” Tony explained. “Steve’s not so good with technology, you know how old men are, but you -”

“That’s not -” Steve protested.

“But you probably know your way around this stuff,” Tony talked over Steve loudly. “Just use voice command and he’ll do it.” 

“Uh, okay, thanks,” Bucky said. He was looking at Tony a little wide-eyed and Steve realized this was probably a dream come true for Bucky. 

“Bucky’s an engineer, you know,” Steve said. 

“Really?” 

Bucky nodded, looking shy for the first time since Steve met him. 

“You should come to my lab later. It’d be nice to have an appreciative audience.” 

“Fuck, I’d love to,” Bucky replied, beaming. 

“Great.” Tony installed himself in a chair, apparently not keen on making this a short visit. 

Steve sighed and pulled Bucky over to the couch. 

“So, you need a game plan, right?” Tony began.

Steve and Bucky looked at each other. “Uh, listen, Tony,” Steve said. “Maybe this is something I should talk to Bucky about. In private.”

Tony held up his hands. “I’m just saying, as someone who has a sex tape floating around the internet…”

“Oh my God,” Steve groaned, burying his head in his hands. 

“No, no, hear me out,” Tony protested. “I’ve got experience in this department, is all. You need to get ahead of this thing. Well, it’s already gotten ahead of you, I guess, but the trick is to change the narrative. Make it your own story, that way at least you’re in control of what gets out there.” 

“And how do we do that?” Bucky asked.

“Well, take me, for example,” Tony said.

“Generally a bad idea,” Steve muttered under his breath, making Bucky laugh.

Tony continued as if he hadn’t heard Steve. “Look, everyone said I was hurting the brand with my wild sex life…”

“Jesus Christ,” Steve said, turning his eyes to the heavens as if to ask God what he did to deserve this.

“...so I turned it into my brand. If people accuse you of being one thing, use it and say, ‘so what?’” Tony continued, uninterrupted. “If people want to say I’m a man-whore, well, so what? If people want to say Captain America is an exhibitionist, well, so what?” 

“It’s not that simple, Tony,” Steve protested. “I’m barely even a person to most people. I’m just an icon to them.”

Bucky frowned. “Maybe it’s not, but he’s got a point, Steve. You take the name they call you and you take it back from them. It doesn’t stop people from calling you a fucking queer, but at least that way, you can take pride in being a fucking queer.” 

“I like him. You should keep him,” Tony said. “But seriously, if they don’t think of you as a person, make them. Anyway, I’ll leave you to it. Just wanted to give my two cents.” 

“Thanks, Tony. I’ll think about it,” Steve said. “You really agree with him?” Steve asked Bucky after Tony had left.

“Yeah, I think so. I mean, I’m not sure how to go about it, but what else are you gonna do? Just let them bully you into their perfect image of Captain America?” 

“No, you’re right,” Steve said. Bucky’s words struck a chord with him. He wasn’t someone to back away from a fight, never had been, so why now? “I just wish this could’ve been normal, between us. I liked being Steve Rogers around you.” 

Bucky leaned closer to kiss him. “You still can be.”

\--- 

After Steve had given him a proper tour of the apartment, Bucky decided to go to Tony’s lab. Steve went to the gym instead, trying to channel his frustration into a punching bag. After 45 minutes, he realized it wasn’t working, so he headed back to his apartment. To make matters worse, he turned on the TV and found that Bucky’s name had been leaked to the press. It was all over the news. 

People Steve had never even heard of were discussing the implications of the pictures, of his private life, on national television. He grabbed his phone, and, not wanting to disturb Bucky, texted Natasha instead.

**[Are you watching the news?]**

She texted back half a minute later. _**[Why would you do that to yourself?]**_

He couldn’t come up with a good answer. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t just turn off his TV. Ten minutes later, Natasha knocked on his door and let herself in.

“Seriously, turn that off,” she said sternly. When Steve made no move to comply, she turned it off herself and sat down next to Steve. “They’re assholes anyway. Who cares what they have to say about you?”

“A reporter came to Bucky’s apartment. They leaked his name. Bucky’s staying here now.”

“Jesus,” Natasha said. “Here as in, the Tower?”

Steve nodded. “He’s down in Stark’s lab right now.”

“And you thought it a good idea to leave him alone with Stark?” she asked, grinning.

Steve laughed. “Lesser of two evils, and all that.” Steve stared at the now-black TV screen. “This is not gonna blow over, is it?”

Natasha considered for a moment. “Probably not,” she said softly. “Especially if you keep seeing him and you keep getting spotted together.” 

“SHIELD told me to break up with him.” Steve’s jaw set angrily as he said it.

Natasha raised her eyebrows. “Have you talked to Fury about it?”

Steve shook his head. “Just the PR department. They’re real worried about their image.”

“I’ll call Nick. He’ll get SHIELD to back off. It’s none of their business anyway,” Natasha said resolutely.

“Kinda late for that now, isn’t it? It’s already everyone’s business,” Steve said, gesturing at his TV. “You know, I thought it was bad enough when they used my relationship with Peggy to promote the war effort. Didn’t think it could get much worse.” He laughed bitterly. 

He heard the front door open. Bucky walked in, looking much more relaxed than he had that afternoon. 

Natasha stood up. “I never properly introduced myself,” she said to Bucky. “Natasha.” 

“Bucky.” He leaned down to greet Steve with a kiss. “I guess I owe you a thank you for that night,” Bucky said to Natasha, smiling.

“I’m just glad my efforts to set him up on a date finally worked,” she said. “Anyway, Clint ordered enough pizza for everyone. You guys can join us if you want.”

Steve threw Bucky a look, who shrugged and said, “Sure.”

It turned into a relatively normal night. Tony dropped by for a few slices before disappearing into his lab again. Neither Natasha nor Clint mentioned the current PR fiasco, acting as if Bucky was staying at the Tower for no other reason than to enjoy Steve’s company and they were just four regular people, instead of three Avengers and a civilian. 

As he sat watching Bucky talk animatedly to Clint about some movie, Steve realized once again how badly he wanted to keep this. 

“I should make an announcement,” Steve said when they were back in his apartment. The longer he dragged this out, the worse it would get. 

Bucky sat up. “Like a press conference?”

“I guess.” The truth was, he hated doing press conferences. He wasn’t good with public speaking, and though he’d managed during his USO shows, that had taken a long while and besides, every show had been the same. It became routine after a while. Press conferences were a different beast, and especially this one. He couldn’t mess this up; the media would jump on the opportunity to vilify him and Bucky some more. 

“You don’t have to,” Bucky said, reading Steve’s face. 

“No, I want to. I just don’t like doing press conferences. But this is worth it,” Steve assured him.

Bucky frowned. “You should do this on your own terms, though. What if you just released a statement, instead of doing a press conference? You could post it to social media or something.”

“You’re such a millennial,” Steve joked. “Just post it on Twitter?”

Bucky shrugged. “Why not? At least it’s on your terms, right?” 

“Somehow I doubt they’ll let me use the official Captain America account to post that,” Steve countered. SHIELD had set up the account for him a while back, but he didn’t use it much. Mostly others used it to tweet vaguely promotional things every now and then.

“So create a personal account,” Bucky said. 

“I don’t know.” He didn’t use social media; the whole concept was slightly foreign to him. Still, Bucky had a point. He wouldn’t have to talk to the press, at the very least. Though he probably wouldn’t be able to hold them off indefinitely. 

“Okay, well, you don’t have to decide now,” Bucky said. He stood up, pulling Steve with him and starting towards the bedroom. “Let’s just go to bed, huh?” 

Steve smiled and kissed him. “I’m sorry for putting you through all this.” 

Bucky kissed him back. “Thanks to you I got to spend the day in Tony Stark’s lab. Trust me, I’m good.” 

“Can we not talk about Tony right now?” Steve pleaded.

Bucky laughed. “I can’t believe he actually used his sex tape to give us advice.” 

“We’re still talking about Tony,” Steve groaned. 

“Oh, you want me to distract you?” Bucky asked, grinning. He pushed Steve back onto the bed and climbed on top of him. “At your service,” he added, giving a mock salute.

Steve laughed, pulling him down to kiss him. Bucky’s hands started unfastening Steve’s belt, while Steve pulled at Bucky’s shirt until he finally got it off. He moved his attention to Bucky’s jeans, pushing them down to his thighs. He grabbed Bucky’s ass and pushed him down to grind against him. Bucky moaned, breaking the line he’d been kissing along the column of Steve’s neck. He took hold of Steve’s right arm and brought his hand up to his own mouth, sucking softly on two of the digits. Steve watched him wide-eyed; he remembered exactly how that mouth felt on his cock. Bucky guided Steve’s hand back to his ass, to his hole. 

Steve rubbed gently along the rim, not sure if spit alone would be enough to do more. “That good?” he asked. 

Bucky nodded. “Yeah.” 

When he felt the muscle give, he pushed in with one finger, making sure to go slowly. 

“Steve, you’re killing me here,” Bucky moaned.

“Just don’t want to hurt you,” Steve said. It didn’t feel right to do this practically dry.

Bucky smiled and kissed him before moving off Steve, taking off his jeans and underwear entirely, and walking over to his bag. “You’re in luck. I came prepared.” He rummaged in his bag for a few moments, then stilled. “Do we need condoms? You can’t catch anything, can you?” 

“No, I guess not. But you can,” Steve countered.

“Yeah, but you haven’t slept with anyone other than Peggy, right? I think we’re fine,” Bucky reasoned. 

“Yeah, I suppose so,” Steve agreed. 

“I totally killed the mood,” Bucky said, laughing. 

“Get over here.”

Bucky saluted him again and resumed his previous position, but Steve flipped them over. “Oh, that’s how it’s gonna be?” he asked.

“You got a problem with that?” Steve asked.

“Absolutely not.” He pressed the bottle of lube in Steve’s hand. “Kind of like the idea of you looming over me while you fuck me,” he said.

“Jesus Christ,” Steve choked out.

“You got a problem with that?” Bucky echoed.

“No, absolutely not,” Steve said, pulling himself together again. He poured some of the liquid on his fingers and brought them to Bucky’s hole, letting one finger slip in immediately. He crooked his finger, searching for that spot inside Bucky. He knew he found it when Bucky moaned loudly and rolled his hips down to meet Steve’s finger. Steve kept hitting that spot, soon adding a second and then third finger. Part of him wanted to see Bucky come just from this. He seemed close already, the way he was panting and fucking himself on Steve’s fingers. 

“Steve, Jesus shit, if you don’t stop, I’m gonna come,” Bucky moaned. 

“Want me to stop?”

“Wanna come with you inside me,” Bucky said. “We don’t all have the refractory period of super soldiers,” he added.

Steve laughed. “Okay, okay.” He withdrew his fingers carefully and put a pillow under Bucky’s hips. He’d been neglecting his own cock throughout all of this, but as he lubed up and lined up with Bucky’s hole, he realized just how hard he was. He pushed in slowly, looking for any signs of distress on Bucky’s face. It was a much tighter fit than he’d been expecting and he concentrated on not coming too soon. It had been so long since he had done this; he didn’t want to be like an inexperienced teenager, shooting off prematurely. Once he was fully seated inside Bucky, he had to take more than a few steadying breaths. 

“You okay?” Bucky asked.

Steve laughed at the absurdity of the situation. He should be the one checking in on Bucky. “Yeah, it’s just, trying to keep it together.”

“You close already?” 

Steve nodded, grimacing. “Just..gimme a few seconds.” 

Bucky pulled Steve down to kiss him. “Just move already, Steve.”

“But -” Steve began.

“You can keep going after coming, right? So, move.”

Steve pulled out slowly and set a slow and steady rhythm, still trying to stave off his own impending orgasm, but Bucky soon became impatient again. 

“C’mon, you can go faster,” he urged Steve on. 

Finally, Steve gave Bucky what he wanted, thrusting hard and fast, aiming for Bucky’s prostate. Bucky’s moans got louder with each thrust and he wrapped his legs around Steve’s waist. Within a minute, Steve had to utter a warning. “Shit, Buck, I’m really gonna come.”

“Do it.” Bucky clenched around him to emphasize his point, pushing Steve over the edge.

He spilled inside Bucky, but as they had expected, he stayed hard. His hips stuttered for a few seconds, but he picked up his pace again, determined to bring Bucky over the edge too. Bucky’s hands alternated between clawing at Steve’s back and grabbing at the sheets. 

Bucky was mostly uttering nonsense, vaguely pleading Steve to keep going, as if Steve would dream of stopping. Steve finally took pity on him and moved a hand between their bodies, stroking Bucky’s cock in time with his thrusts. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” Bucky moaned before spilling between their bellies. He clenched so tightly around Steve that it didn’t take much longer for Steve to come again. 

He barely had enough functioning brain cells left to remember it wouldn’t be very nice of him to collapse on top of Bucky, so he pulled out slowly and carefully, laying down next to Bucky. 

“Jesus Christ,” Bucky said when they’re breathing had returned to normal.

“Right back at ya.” Steve wanted nothing more than to pass out for at least twelve hours, but then he realized Bucky must have been a complete mess. He dragged himself to the bathroom to get a clean washcloth and cleaned him up as best as he could. He felt a little guilty when he saw just how much of a mess he’d made, even though Bucky had seemed to be into it. 

Bucky pulled him down again to kiss him slowly. “You’re sweet. And I think I’m gonna need about sixteen hours of sleep to recover from this.”

Steve ducked his head and laughed. “I’ll go easier next time?” 

Bucky pulled a dramatic face. “Please, please don’t. But really, I need to sleep.” 

Steve kissed him again, wanting to commit this night to his memory forever. Bucky settled his head on Steve’s chest and they were both out within minutes. 

\---

A ringing phone woke them up. Bucky leaned over Steve to grab at his phone and check the caller ID. He sat up quickly. “Hey Becks,” he greeted. Steve could hear someone talking fast on the other side of the line, but he couldn’t quite make out the words. “No, really. I’m here with him right now.” Bucky rolled his eyes at whatever the response was. He put his phone on speaker and turned to Steve. “My sister wants you to say hey.” 

“Uhh, hello?” Steve said sleepily. He was barely awake.

“Oh my God, Bucky. I couldn’t believe it when I saw you on the news,” Rebecca said.

“Yeah, well, me neither,” Bucky said. 

“Shit, yeah, of course. I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” Bucky paused for a few seconds. “Have mom and dad seen the pictures?”

It was silent on the other end for a little while. “Yeah,” Rebecca said softly. 

“And?” Bucky asked. Steve took hold of his hand, softly caressing his thumb across Bucky’s hand. 

“They’re pretty pissed. All their friends and neighbors have seen them too, so they can’t hide that you’re gay anymore.” 

“Good. Fuck them and their perfect little world,” Bucky said, his tone cold and bitter, unlike anything Steve had heard from him before. 

“Yeah, it serves them right,” Rebecca agreed. “You know, it’s kind of funny to see them scrambling. They remade Cap into this Reaganite image of perfection and their fantasy is crumbling around them.” 

“Maybe I should give ‘em a call. Tell ‘em how great Steve is and how very, very queer,” Bucky said, laughing.

“I’d be happy to give them a call myself,” Steve chimed in. 

Rebecca laughed. “Oh my God, I would actually pay to listen to that conversation.”

“I can just imagine how that would go. ‘Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Barnes,’” Bucky said in a poor imitation of Steve’s voice. “‘I’d like to tell you your son turned me gay. He’s a real good piece of ass.’ It’s their worst nightmare come true,” Bucky cackled. 

“I wouldn’t talk about you like that!” Steve protested.

“What would you say then?” Bucky asked.

Steve felt his cheeks turning red, betraying him once again. “How kind and beautiful you are, and how stupid they are for ever having turned their backs on you,” he said quietly.

Bucky gave him a look he found hard to decipher. Steve almost forgot they were on the phone with Rebecca until she spoke up again. “Oh shit, I totally witnessed a moment between you two, didn’t I?” she asked. “And now I ruined it by talking.” 

Bucky blinked a few times and focused on the phone call again. “Yeah, Becks, what the fuck?” he said, clearly joking.

“I’ll leave you guys to it. Congrats on boning Captain America!” she exclaimed, hanging up immediately after so she wouldn’t have to hear Bucky swearing at her.

\---

They had been lazing around the apartment for most of the day, making it their mission to make out on every surface in the apartment. They stayed away from the news cycle and it was almost enough to forget why Bucky was staying over in the first place. Late in the afternoon their bubble burst once again when Pepper called.

“I’ve got reporters pushing for your comment from every side,” she said. “Do you know how you want to handle this yet?” 

Steve considered it for a moment. He’d been trying to push it to the back of his mind, but he hadn’t been able to tamp down every thought. The more he thought about it, the more he felt like Bucky’s idea wasn’t half bad. It wasn’t ideal, but then, none of this was. It was the best option he had right now. “I think I want to release a statement, on my own. No press. Bucky suggested using social media, what do you think?” Though he’d certainly warmed to the idea, he wanted Pepper’s opinion. She was the professional, after all.

“Well, it has some downsides. For one, people will be able to comment directly. You might be opening yourself up to targeted harassment. On the other hand, you have much greater control over who you choose to engage with and you can take your time to reply. You wouldn’t be put on the spot,” she said. “I do know how much you hate talking to the press. Given the sensitivity of the subject, it’s important to do whatever you’re most comfortable with. Just keep in mind that social media can be vicious,” she added.

“Thanks, Pepper,” Steve said. “How long would it take to verify my Twitter account?” he asked. If he did release a statement on Twitter, he didn’t want there to be any doubt about it being genuine. 

“Just send me the account info and I’ll get it done,” she assured him. “Oh, and Steve, Tony says you’ve got yourself a great guy. I’m happy for you.” 

“Thank you.” The knowledge that his friends and coworkers had his back made his heart feel full. He couldn’t care less what the rest of the world thought, as long as they stood by him. 

\--- 

True to word, Pepper got it done within hours of Steve setting up the account. He wasn’t sure how she did it, but then again, he knew how intimidating she could be if she was on a mission. 

He spent that evening drafting a statement, letting Bucky read it when he thought he was done. Bucky suggested a few minor edits, but otherwise approved. 

“You want to send it out now or wait till morning?” Bucky asked.

“Might as well do it now. The 24 hour news cycle never stops anyway.” Steve was impatient to get this out of the way. He tweeted something generic first about being new to Twitter, so his first tweet wouldn’t be the statement. He added the screenshot of his statement to his next tweet.

**Steve Rogers @SteveGRogers 8:56PM** After recent events, I’ve decided to release a statement. We ask that you please respect our privacy going forward. pic.twitter.com/f4buge2jri

_By now, most of you will have seen pictures of me with another man. I’d like to take this opportunity to clarify a number of things, so that they may not be misconstrued any further. I am indeed in a relationship with a man. This does not mean my past relationship with Peggy Carter was not genuine. It simply means that I’m with a man now._

_I had hoped my private life could remain private, but that was wishful thinking. Still, anyone associated with me should not have to relinquish their right to privacy too. Releasing sensitive information about a private citizen to the media for no other reason than to vilify them is reprehensible behavior. I ask that, if nothing else, you respect my partner’s privacy._

_When I woke up in this century, I was told this country had progressed a great deal. In the past few days, however, I have found that we have a long way to go. I will continue fighting for this country, as I’ve always done. I stand for the unfulfilled promise this country was built on, the belief that everyone is created equal and all of us have the right to live our lives freely, regardless of race, gender identity, or sexual orientation. I will keep fighting until our reality matches that promise._

He took a few deep breaths and hit send, Bucky sitting by his side, their hands intertwined to ground him. No turning back now.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for taking forever to update, I know it's been a long time, so if you're still here reading this, please know that I'm very grateful to you all. And if you've only just tuned in and haven't been forced through this long hiatus: lucky you! Anyway, I've got an ending figured out for this story now, so expect one or maybe two more chapters, and I'm fairly certain you can expect them soon :). I've got a complete monster of an AU idea, but I made a deal with myself to finish this one first because I hate to leave anyone hanging! 
> 
> Also, I'm uploading this chapter basically as soon as I've written it because I've made you guys wait long enough, so if you spot any typos/weird mistakes that I overlooked, feel free to let me know!

The response to his statement was mixed. Conservative commentators were offended that Steve had implied they were homophobes, but Steve had expected nothing less from them. At the very least, the conversation pivoted to include privacy issues. Reporters still wanted to talk to Steve, but most of them honored his request to leave Bucky alone, at least. 

Bucky went to work as usual that Monday, even though Steve had suggested he take the day off. “I’ve dealt with much worse, Steve,” he simply said, effectively shutting Steve up. 

Fury finally came back from wherever he’d been over the past few days and called Steve into his office. Steve wasn’t particularly excited to go back to the SHIELD offices, but he also trusted Fury more than anyone else at SHIELD. Fury had always done him the courtesy of being as upfront with Steve as possible and never treating him as anything more or less than a human being. 

“This is quite a mess you’ve got yourself in,” Fury said without much preamble. Steve had only just sat down. 

Steve’s jaw set defiantly. “It really shouldn’t be.” None of this should have caused such a media shitstorm. 

“No, it shouldn’t. But here we are.” Fury sighed. “The PR department is not happy with you, but I told them to shove it. I got your back, kid.” He looked Steve in the eye for a brief moment, then turned his attention to the folder on his desk and slid it across the desk to Steve. “Illegal arms dealer in the Ukraine. We’re not sure where they’re getting the materials, but we know where the weapons are being manufactured. You, Stark, and Romanov will go in to neutralize the facility.”

Steve blinked a few times, a little bewildered at this sudden change of topic. He’d expected this conversation to just be about him, not about a new mission. “When are we going?”

“Wednesday. It shouldn’t take long, in and out.” 

Steve nodded. He scanned the file; it didn’t look too complicated. The biggest objective was finding a lead on where they got their materials, but that was mostly a job for Natasha. They went over some of the specifics for a while, though they’d also have a meeting with Tony and Nat tomorrow. 

It almost felt like a normal day, except now he could look forward to Bucky coming home at the end of the day. It was just temporary, but Steve liked the idea a lot. Steve had already started on dinner when Bucky came back. 

He entered the apartment and sat on the kitchen counter with a loud sigh. “Don’t I get a kiss?” he pouted. 

Steve cracked a smile and leaned in to kiss him. “How was it?”

Bucky groaned. “It was all everybody talked about.” He leaned back, his head resting against one of the kitchen cabinets. “I think they were caught somewhere between surprise, outrage, and grudging respect.” He closed his eyes for a few moments. “Oh also, my friend Sam yelled at me for not introducing you to him yet. He’s a bit of a fan.” Bucky cracked one eye open to watch Steve’s response. 

Steve gave a mock salute. “Always happy to meet the fans.” 

“Anyway, can we change the subject? How was your day?” Bucky asked.

“I have to go on a mission on Wednesday,” Steve said. “I leave early Wednesday morning. Should be back by Thursday.”

“Oh, right, you’re Captain America,” Bucky said. “This is a thing you do.”

Steve laughed. “Yeah. Kind of my average day.” 

Bucky snorted. “Is it classified?”

“‘fraid so,” Steve said, nodding. 

“Dangerous?” 

Steve shook his head. “Not as far as these missions go.” There was always an element of danger - it was part of the job - but this one was as clear-cut as it got. 

“Hmm. I should probably go back to my apartment anyway.”

Even though it had only been a few days, Steve had already gotten used to Bucky’s presence. “Stay tonight?” Steve asked. 

Bucky smiled. “Oh yeah. I’m not going anywhere tonight.” He pulled Steve away from the stove, into the V of his legs and kissed him. He wrapped his legs around Steve’s waist, his hands seemingly everywhere. 

“Bucky, the food,” Steve protested weakly. 

“Don’t care,” Bucky said in between kisses. His stomach rumbled loudly just then.

Steve pulled back. “Sounds like your stomach disagrees.” 

Bucky looked down at his own body, grumbling “traitor” to himself.

“We can pick up later.” Steve went back to cooking, while Bucky sat on the counter, apparently comfortable there. 

“About this mission,” Bucky began, apropos of nothing. “Are you always on call?” 

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“You get vacation days?”

Steve laughed. “Never asked, to be honest.” He got plenty of free time in between missions; it never occurred to him to ask for more days off.

“So you’ve been on active duty for how long?” Bucky asked, frowning.

Steve paused for a moment. He’d successfully enlisted in ‘41 and, apart from the years spent in the ice, had been on active duty ever since. “About five years.” 

“Jesus. You know that’s a long time, right?” 

Steve shrugged. “It’s the choice I made. I want to serve and improve this country.” 

Bucky gaped at him. “You’re using your Captain America voice.” 

“Is that a bad thing?” Steve asked.

Bucky shook his head slowly. “Not at all,” he said, letting his eyes roam all over Steve. “No, wait, I was getting at something here and you’re distracting me with your voice.” He shook his head as if to clear his mind. “Do you ever, you know, talk to someone about these things?”

“What, like a therapist?” Steve asked, an edge creeping into his voice. He never liked the idea of therapists.

“Yeah, like a therapist,” Bucky said casually. 

“SHIELD offered after I came out of the ice, but I said no.” He said the words clearly, a little harshly even. He wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t want Bucky, or anyone for that matter, thinking of him needing help. He was supposed to be the one who helped others.

Bucky frowned for a moment. “Okay,” he said carefully. “C’mere a minute.” Steve complied, once again moving to stand between Bucky’s legs. He expected Bucky to kiss him like he did before, but instead, his hands went to Steve’s shoulders. “Jesus, you’re tense,” he remarked. “I’m fixing this, tonight,” he added resolutely. 

\--- 

After dinner, Bucky told Steve he had to go run an errand, though he wouldn’t specify what for. He promised he’d be back soon, and he kept his word; he returned within half an hour. 

“So what did you have to get so suddenly?” Steve asked, his curiosity finally getting the best of him.

Bucky grinned, holding up a small bottle. “Can’t give you a massage without massage oil, now can I?”

Steve blinked a few times. “Wait, you were serious?”

“Of course I was serious. Now get your ass on the bed,” Bucky said, his tone leaving no room for argument. “And take your shirt off.” 

Steve did as he was told and as he lay on his front, he felt Bucky tug at his pants too, for good measure. He lifted his hips to help him, then laid back down again.

Bucky's hands started at his neck and shoulders, the massage oil smoothing the way and loosening his muscles. He never even realized how much tension he carried there. He let his eyes close and felt himself drift off at the steady pressure after a while. 

It wasn't until Bucky's fingers started digging into the small of his back that he was shaken from his sleepiness. He jerked under Bucky involuntarily.

“Ticklish?” Bucky asked.

“Hmm,” Steve replied, trying to sound grumpy about it.

“Guess the serum can't fix everything, huh?” 

“Hmm,” Steve said again. He wanted Bucky to continue loosening up all the muscles in his back, but Bucky had other plans. He planted himself firmly on Steve's thighs, his own thighs bracketing Steve's, and attacked his sides with nimble fingers. 

Steve was reduced to a giggling mess, pleading with Bucky to stop and let him catch his breath. Bucky wouldn't stop until he was all but crying from laughter, still failing to kick Bucky off him. So much for Captain America's training. All it took was a cute guy tickling him to absolutely floor him. Finally, Bucky lay down, his front plastered to Steve's back and started kissing at his neck. 

“You know, I kind of like you all pliant and relaxed,” he said against Steve's neck.

Steve wiggled underneath him, the giggles making way for arousal in record time. He turned his head as far as he could to catch Bucky's eye. “You can have me like this,” he said, that treacherous blush immediately coloring his cheeks again.

Bucky stilled on top of him. “Are you saying what I think you're saying?” 

Steve nodded. “I want you. Inside me,” he added, lest there be some kind of misunderstanding.

Bucky kissed his neck again. “Tell me if you're uncomfortable or if you want to stop, okay?”

“Yes.” He was sure he wouldn't want Bucky to stop, but he felt relieved at Bucky's words nonetheless.

Bucky tapped his hip and Steve lifted them so Bucky could slide his underwear down his legs. He heard Bucky uncap a bottle and felt a single digit rubbing at his hole, not yet pushing in. “Just relax, babe, yeah, just like that.” The finger pushed in slowly. It felt weird, but not bad. He'd expected pain, but so far he was fine. Bucky added another finger when he realized Steve was still relaxed. This time, he definitely felt more of a stretch, but he could handle it.

“You okay?” Bucky asked him.

“Hmhmm,” Steve hummed in assent. 

Bucky took his time, while Steve lost track of it. Once Bucky was up to three fingers, he started crooking them in search of Steve's prostate, which didn't take him long to find. It was like being lit up from the inside and Steve couldn't help but grind back on Bucky's fingers. 

Steve expected Bucky to get on with it, but he just kept rubbing over that one spot, until he felt pressure building and building in his gut. “Bucky, you gotta, I'm gonna-”

“Shh, it's okay babe, just let go, I got you,” Bucky told him, rubbing his other hand up and down Steve's spine. 

Steve ground back on Bucky's fingers and forward into the sheets until the combined sensations overwhelmed him and pushed him over the edge, his release spreading on the sheets beneath him.

Bucky gently pulled his fingers out and guided him to the cleaner side of the bed. “You did so good, honey,” he said, turning Steve on his back and kissing him.

Steve had never felt anything like this, but as good as it was, it wasn't what he'd asked for. He kissed Bucky back fiercely, tugging at his clothes until they came off and wrapping his legs around Bucky's waist, pushing his hips up with intent. “C'mon Buck,” he pleaded.

Bucky laughed. “Okay, okay, I just wanted to see if you could come from fingering alone on the first try. Don't know if it's because you're so sensitive, but we'll chalk it up to my superior sex skills,” he said, grinning.

“God, never mind, I definitely don't want your dick in me,” Steve grumbled.

Bucky pouted exaggeratedly. “Oh come on baby, honey, sweetie, I just wanna feel what you feel like inside, c’mon let me feel you, I bet you'll feel so good and I can make you feel so good, just let me, please,” he said, somehow making all of that sound charming instead of cheesy. 

“Jesus, yeah, okay.” Steve would never have guessed words would have that kind of an effect on him, but he was already panting. 

Bucky flipped them so he was the one lying on his back and Steve threw him a puzzled look. “It'll be easier this way. You can control the pace. Plus you let gravity do a lot of the work,” he explained.

Steve nodded; that made sense. He reached down to stroke Bucky, though he hardly needed to brought to full hardness. He reached for the lube; he figured it was better to use more rather than less just in case. Finally, he lined up and let himself sink down. It burned much more than the three fingers did, but it wasn't unmanageable. He paused for a moment to adjust, then continued. 

Bucky's brow was drawn tight, like he was concentrating very hard on something. When Steve realized he was probably trying his best not to come right away, his stomach did a weird flip, like he couldn't believe he was the casue of the face Bucky was making. 

Bucky's hands were holding Steve's hips and he kept telling Steve how good he was doing, until he was finally fully seated. “You good?” he asked.

Steve nodded. “Yeah, definitely.” He began circling his hips experimentally and Bucky moaned, his hands tightening on Steve's hips. He took that as a good sign and kept going, until he found the right angle to get Bucky's cock to brush up against his prostate. He pursued the sensation over and over and over again as his movements became increasingly wilder and more erratic. Bucky was letting out a string of moans and curses beneath him, but he couldn't even fully register what he was saying. All Steve knew was he had to chase that feeling tingling at the edge of his spine, and when Bucky wrapped a hand around his cock, he was done for. Within a minute, he was shooting off on Bucky's chest - and wasn't that a sight - and Bucky finally let go of all his restraint, planted his feet on the mattress and fucked up into Steve until he spilled inside of him, the feel of his release spreading outward soon after.

Steve collapsed on top of Bucky, only remembering his weight when Bucky let out a loud “oof.” But when he moved to get off him, Bucky just wrapped his arms around Steve and held him until Steve drifted off for a few minutes.


	7. Chapter 7

The mission was supposed to be simple. Apprehend the arms dealer and hand him over to the CIA. They hadn’t counted on this particular arms dealer holding a grudge against the Avengers - and specifically against Tony. They hadn’t counted on the arms dealer getting out ahead of them and confronting the Avengers in a part of the city teeming with people. They hadn’t counted on the gy’s cronies to set off a bomb right then and there, a threat they were too late to fully neutralize, though they had managed to limit some of the damage, at least. They hadn’t counted on civilians dying.

Steve had been around death: when he was growing up, people in his neighborhood often didn’t make it through the harsh winter, not to mention the specter of death that continually loomed over him, and then a war happened and he signed up for the business of death, and even after all of that, he’d seen death when aliens invaded New York. but it was still different from this. In the attack of New York, they had managed to evacuate the worst parts of the city and during the war, he very rarely encountered civilians once he started fighting. But this, the bodies in the street, this was different. It was vivid and bloody and nothing had prepared Steve to be confronted with it, not today.

He’d been injured in the blast, but it wasn’t too bad. A couple of badly bruised ribs, some burns, cuts and bruises on his face. He’d had worse. There was some concern about internal bleeding, but the serum took care of that fast enough. He was allowed to leave the hospital after just two days. Tony and Natasha were better off than he was: Tony had been protected by his suit and Steve had shielded Natasha with his body, knowing she was the most physically vulnerable out of the three of them. This also meant he hadn’t been able to do anything to save more civilians, who had had nowhere to go or hide.

Of course, all this meant he was back later than planned. He finally returned to the Tower, exhausted. Tony had called Bucky to tell him Steve was fine; or at least, that he was going to be fine. Steve hadn’t contacted Bucky since leaving for the Ukraine. The truth was, he wasn’t sure what he’d say. All the time they’d spent together had mostly existed in a bubble and this past week had done its damnedest to burst that bubble. First, by siccing a media circus on them and now by reminding Steve in the harshest way possible what his job actually entailed. That people like him had no business dating civilians and dragging them into this mess.

So when he finally walked in the door of his apartment, he was surprised to see Bucky there, who immediately hugged Steve tightly. “I was so worried. Are you okay?”

Steve managed a smile. “Yeah, all healed.”

Bucky looked at him for a long moment. “I made dinner, if you want some.”

Bucky didn’t ask for the details of the mission, for which Steve was grateful. He’d tell him eventually, but right now, he just wanted to eat and then go to sleep. 

“You really scared me,” Bucky said as they were lounging on the couch before going to bed. “Does this kind of thing happen a lot?”

Steve sighed. “Not...not like this. But missions go south from time to time. It comes with the job.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Steve shook his head. “Not right now.” 

“Okay,” Bucky said, pulling Steve closer to him for a moment. “Let’s go to bed. You must be tired.”

Steve was glad to have Bucky’s presence beside him tonight. He hoped it would help him sleep better, since he’d barely gotten any real sleep the two previous nights. He was anxious about the debriefing tomorrow, where he’d have to explain how they’d been ambushed and how badly they’d failed to save all those civilians, resulting in that carnage on the streets. So he was still fidgety when they turned in to bed and really, he should have known a nightmare would wake him up. 

It was his usual one: the one where he tried to save the world with all his might and just before his radio connection to Peggy failed, he heard a bomb go off on her side, destroying New York, but by then, it was too late to stop his descent into the ice, ensuring him he’d die for nothing.

He woke to Bucky softly calling his name. He must have been tossing and turning to wake Bucky. “Hey, it’s okay, you were dreaming, it’s not real,” Bucky assured him. 

The sheets were soaked with Steve’s sweat. Steve started getting up to change them, but Bucky stopped him. “Hey, no, I’ll do that. You just sit here,” he said, redirecting Steve to a chair and bringing him a bottle of water before changing the sheets. 

“You’re all clammy,” Bucky remarked when he was done. “C’mon, gotta get you in the shower, then we can go back to sleep.” Bucky got in the shower with him, soaping down his body quickly, washing away the sweat and fear. A part of Steve wanted to protest at being babied like this, but he couldn’t find it in him to object with any level of force. Besides, the warm water and clean pajama pants and clean sheets were kind of nice. 

Back in bed, Bucky held him until they both fell asleep again. 

Steve woke up early, only to find Bucky was already awake too. “Sorry for waking you up like that,” Steve said, embarrassed in the harsh light of morning.

Bucky sucked in a sharp breath. “Hey, no, that’s not…” he began. “Does that happen a lot?” he asked.

Steve shrugged, which they both knew meant as much as yes. Steve had always been a shit liar, so most of the time he didn’t even bother attempting a lie.

Bucky’s eyes narrowed. “Maybe you should talk to someone about that,” Bucky suggested carefully. 

“I’m fine,” Steve bit back, harsher than was called for. Every time someone mentioned the idea of therapy it made the hairs rise on his neck. He wasn’t sure why.

“You were screaming in your sleep last night. I know you think you gotta do everything on your own, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help,” Bucky said, voice deliberately calm.

“I’ve been doing just fine so far,” Steve insisted.

Bucky held Steve’s face in his hands. “I need you to understand that you can do better than ‘just fine.’ You don't have to ignore your pain to do what you do. You're still a person, even if your job entails saving the world from nazis and aliens.”

And somehow, despite all of Steve's stubborn insistence, it turned out Bucky had read him just right. He'd put words to something Steve had always struggled with, especially after the serum. He'd known what it was like to be sick, to almost die nearly every winter, and once he'd gotten the serum, once he'd been assured he couldn't get sick anymore, he'd gradually begun to discount his own discomfort and pain. As if he wasn’t allowed to feel bad anymore, not now that he’d been gifted with a body that would cure every cell in his body, even the ones that were supposed to make him age.

His throat felt tight and he wanted to turn away, but Bucky was still holding his face. He swallowed thickly and nodded in acknowledgement of Bucky's words. 

Bucky kissed him and murmured, “Let's go make breakfast.”

After breakfast, Bucky slid a piece of paper with an address across the table. _Brooklyn VA Center_ was written at the top. “Go there sometime, hmm? I can come if you want, but that's up to you. Besides, you'd make Sam's day. He's pissed I haven't introduced you two yet anyway,” Bucky added, and Steve knew it was an obvious attempt to introduce some levity to the subject, but he was grateful for it anyway.

“Yeah, I will,” he promised. “It's just, I’m not so good with talking to people about…” he concluded with vague hand gestures.

“Hey, I know it's scary. I wasn't too excited to talk to a therapist after what my parents put me through either, but it was necessary. And anyway, it's just a visit to the VA Center. One step at a time, right?” Bucky said encouragingly. 

“Yeah, one step at a time.”

\---

Steve had the debriefing to get through first. Tony and Natasha did most of the talking, thankfully. SHIELD wanted accountability, of course, but it turned out the CIA had messed up too, by not relaying all available intel to SHIELD, creating a bureaucratic nightmare that ended in too many casualties. It wasn’t the first time Steve had bumped up against uncooperative government organizations, but it was the first time it ended in such catastrophe. 

“Next time, don’t send us out unless you give us _everything_ you have. I’m not doing this again,” he fumed. Tony and Natasha agreed. 

“We can handle ourselves fine, but you’re risking more than just the lives of the Avengers, here. I can’t do my job if I’m going in half-blind,” Natasha chimed in.

“And conveniently enough, the most public faces of the US intelligence apparatus are the ones carrying the responsibility in the public eye,” Tony said, uncharacteristically serious for once. “I know my face can save a lot of crises, but I’m not about to shoulder the blame for something that isn’t our fault,” he added.

It was agreed upon that the press release would include a statement about the lack of intelligence passed on to those operatives known to the public as Captain America, Iron Man, and Black Widow. It was the best they could have hoped for. 

\---

The following Wednesday, while Bucky was at work, Steve decided to stop by the VA. He’d had a nightmare every night since he came home and he was getting tired of changing his sheets in the middle of the night. 

Just his luck, he was right on time to attend a support group session for veterans. He sat down in the back, deciding it couldn’t hurt to listen to what others were saying.

A woman who introduced herself as Carol lead the session. She started with some opening remarks and welcoming any first time visitors. Her eyes passed over Steve briefly as she said it and Steve was sure she’d recognized him. She didn’t draw any attention to him. 

Steve listened to their stories and experiences. They varied wildly, but he understood all of them. For the first time this century, he felt a particular loneliness shrinking. Towards the end of the session, a man spoke up about losing his best friend during a mission. Steve couldn’t even imagine the pain of having to watch your friend fall to their death and being utterly powerless to stop it. 

“Thank you for sharing, Sam,” Carol said.

Steve’s eyebrows shot up. Bucky had mentioned Sam had been in the Air Force, but he’d never said anything about Sam losing someone that close to him. Then again, it wasn’t really any of Steve’s business.

After the session, Steve introduced himself to Sam.

From what Bucky had told him, he’d expected the kind of response he got from fans on the street, but Sam was very level-headed. “Oh, so you’re the reason Bucky has stopped texting me back,” he said, his eyes twinkling with glee. 

“If it makes you feel any better, Bucky has told me a lot about you,” Steve said, smiling. He liked Sam better than he thought he would already. It was always nice to be treated like a person instead of an icon.

“Don’t believe a word he says,” Sam replied immediately. “So what brings you down here?” he asked, head tilted in curiosity.

“I, uh, Bucky recommended this place to me,” he answered quietly. “I heard what you said in there just now,” Steve said, pointing to the room where the group session had been held. “I’m sorry about your friend.” 

Sam smiled sadly. “Yeah, me too. How’d you feel about that session?”

“It wasn’t as bad as I thought. It’s nice to know when you’re not alone in something, you know?”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Sam said. “I’m still kind of screwed in the head, but it’s getting there. Who knew talking about your feelings so much could help?” he said lightly.

Steve ended up leaving the center with a bunch of folders on different group meetings, therapists specialized in different kinds of trauma, and all the other programs and fundraisers organized by this VA. 

He wasn’t sure yet what he’d do with them, but he knew he liked Sam, and he had a good feeling about the VA. The pit in his stomach was nowhere near gone, but it had shrunk in size a little.

\---

He saw Bucky again that Saturday. He told Bucky he’d pick him up on his bike, but he hadn’t told Bucky where they would go. Bucky had looked him over when he showed up in his leather jacket, and he looked about ready to jump Steve. Steve had been resolute, though. They had somewhere to be. Bucky held onto Steve tightly on the bike, though his hands started wandering before long. Steve told him to “stop that” but either Bucky didn’t hear over the noise of the bike, or he pretended not to. Steve didn’t mind too much. 

He’d found this place a few days before the whole media circus began. Well, that wasn’t quite true. He’d first found this place back in 1936. His mom had taken him here for his 18th birthday, spending money they didn’t have on a meal they couldn’t afford. It had been his last birthday with his mom. But he only recently dared to look for it again, unsure how he would have reacted if the place had been torn down. But no, by some miracle, it was still here, by the same name, though the owners would have changed by now. 

They got off the bike, and Steve stood in front of the restaurant, Bucky looking at him expectantly.

“Steve?” Bucky prompted.

Steve took Bucky’s hand. “This was my 18th birthday present from my mom,” he began. “She got sick that same year. It’s one of the few places from those days that’s still around.”

Bucky squeezed his hand. “You okay?” 

Steve nodded. “Let’s go inside.”

The interior had been updated, though it didn’t feel all that modern to Steve either. To anyone else, it probably looked like just any other family-owned Italian restaurant. But to Steve, it was important to bring Bucky here, to reconcile his past and his present. 

They chose a quiet table in the back. Once they’d ordered, Steve reached across the table to grab Bucky’s hand. “I just wanted to thank you. You’re the first person to treat me like _me_ and who really seemed to want to get to know me. I’m so glad I met you.” 

Bucky stared at him, mouth open. “Jesus, Steve, I don’t know what to say. I just feel lucky our paths crossed. With a little help from Natasha,” he added. 

“I went to the VA this week,” Steve said. “I wouldn’t have gone if it wasn’t for you.” He’d almost told Bucky over the phone, but decided he wanted to do this in person. He was still old-fashioned that way, he supposed. “I still don’t know about therapy, but I think the group sessions might be good for me,” he said.

Bucky smiled, eyes sparkling. “I’m glad you went. We’ll figure this whole thing out, you know, you and I.” 

Steve lifted their intertwined hands to kiss Bucky’s. “Yeah. We will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for the epilogue!


	8. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a very short epilogue but it turns out I have a disease so this basically just turned into a full length chapter. Oh well.

They’d been together for almost two years. Steve still felt like the luckiest guy on earth when he woke up next to Bucky. Which was not to say that they didn’t have their fair share of arguments: Steve was stubborn about everything, and Bucky was usually convinced he was right about everything, which wasn’t always the best of combinations. But Steve wouldn’t ever want to lose Bucky, that much he knew. 

This past week, Bucky had been extremely anxious and irritated by just about everything. Steve understood, though, so he tried to be a calm and patient force in their apartment. Steve had moved out of the Tower about a year ago to move into a new place with Bucky. Bucky had insisted it should have a room where Steve could paint, and they finally managed to find a place with beautiful light in both bedrooms. He’d had to breathe into a bag for a little while when he realized how much the rent was, but in the end, he was glad they’d signed the lease. Having a designated space to paint made him want to make time to paint. His therapist approved, too. 

It had taken some time, but Steve had finally realized that Bucky was right, and he really could benefit from a therapist. They’d looked at their options carefully and extensively, and finally found a therapist that Steve liked enough to get over his reservations. He’d become much better at vocalizing his feelings. His mother would be proud of him. She‘d always told he bottled things up too much. He had all kinds of coping strategies too, now, and though they didn’t always prevent the nightmares from coming, they at least ensured the nightmares wouldn’t ruin his whole day, too.

Bucky had stuck by his side during this whole period of exploring where his various traumas came from and had always been patient and loving, so Steve figured it was past time to return the favor. 

“Fucking fuck, where the fuck are my dress shoes?” Bucky shouted from the bedroom.

Steve came to stand in the doorway of their room. He didn’t want to shout back. “I already packed them. Along with your suit, a new razor, and that stuff you put in your hair.”

“Oh.” Bucky’s shoulders visibly released tension. “You packed the coconut oil?”

Steve nodded, moving closer to rub his hands over Bucky’s shoulders and arms. “Makes your hair smell so nice,” he said.

“Jesus, I’m sorry for being so high-strung. Don’t know what I’d do without you.” He nestled his head in the crook of Steve’s shoulder.

“S’okay, I get it.” He couldn’t take all of Bucky’s stress away, but he could ensure that Bucky wouldn’t have to be stressed about something as silly as packing. A few hours later, they were on their way to the airport.

The closer they got to Indiana, the more Bucky began fidgeting. He kept playing with his hair or picking at the fabric of his shirt and by the time they were one hour from landing, his knee had started bouncing uncontrollably. 

Steve knew Bucky felt bad about being this anxious. His sister was getting married, he was supposed to be happy. Instead, he was a nervous wreck. Not that Rebecca would ever hold it against Bucky; she’d said as much. But she’d wanted Bucky there, and of course their parents were going to be there, so here they were, with Bucky’s knee bouncing and bouncing and bouncing. 

It had been twelve years since Bucky last saw his parents. Neither he nor Rebecca were sure what their response would be to seeing Bucky again. They might ignore him, which was probably one of the better outcomes. They figured his parents cared too much about their reputation to cause a public scene, but then again, they might be overwhelmed by emotion and forget about their precious reputation.

Steve couldn’t do much more than be a steady and supportive presence by Bucky’s side. Still, if they said a bad word against Bucky, he wasn’t about to let them get away with that either. He’d be the image of politeness, right up until they gave him a good reason not to be.

Bucky spotted his parents when he entered the church and he resolutely sat down on the other side of the aisle, dragging Steve with him. They turned a few heads, though Steve wasn’t sure if it was because people recognized him or because of Bucky. Either way, it had Bucky on edge, but he seemed to forget about that when the ceremony began. Bucky started crying the second he saw his sister walk down to the aisle. 

It was a nice ceremony, and though Steve didn’t know Rebecca’s husband Jeremy very well, they seemed very right for each other. Jeremy cried more than she did during the ceremony, which was endearing. 

Bucky wanted to congratulate Rebecca right after, but of course, his parents had gotten to her first. He fell back, unsure of what to do. Steve wasn’t about to push him, though he would certainly support Bucky if he chose to go up to Becca right now. 

In the end, the decision was made for them. There were plenty of other relatives and acquaintances who recognized Bucky. 

“Bucky!” a middle-aged woman exclaimed. “Joe said he saw you, but I didn’t believe him at first.”

Bucky smiled tightly. “Hi, aunt Anna.” 

“How long’s it been, darling?” she asked. “Ten years?” 

“Twelve,” Bucky corrected her. Steve put his hand on the small of his back, just a small reminder that he was here.

Anna’s eyes traveled from Bucky’s face to Steve’s. “Oh!” she said, her voice going up about an octave. “Yes, of course, I saw you on the news, terrible business,” she said. Bucky tensed underneath Steve’s hand. “They had no right to invade your privacy like that,” she concluded.

“I...what?” Bucky said.

“Yes, they had no business diving into your private life,” she said to Steve, “and then dragging you into it, dear, it was just nasty.” She shook her head. “Oh, I’m being so rude. I’m Anna,” she said, extending her hand.

“Steve.” He threw Bucky a look, unsure of where this aunt stood, though Bucky didn’t seem much clearer on the matter.

“You didn’t...You were upset because they invaded our privacy,” Bucky repeated slowly, “not because I’m gay?” 

Anna’s face fell. “Oh darling, of course not. Your sister told me...if I had known, I would’ve taken you in myself. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that.” She looked at her feet for a moment, but then seemed determined to look at Bucky again. “I should have given you a call after that news story, let you know how I felt. I’m sorry I didn’t.” 

Bucky was furiously blinking away tears. “Thank you.”

She took Bucky’s hands in her own. “Nothing to thank me for.” Her eyes were watery too. 

“Where’s Uncle Joe?” Bucky asked.

“Oh, I distracted him with the buffet. He’s a big admirer of yours, Steve. Wanted to ask you to sign his trading card, but I forbade him,” she said, laughing.

Bucky hugged her. “Thanks again.”

Slowly, more people approached Bucky. Most were a mixture of friendly and apologetic. Others eyed them warily from a distance, but Steve made it his mission to distract Bucky from those people.

Finally, they made their way to Rebecca, who was beaming when she saw Bucky. 

“Congratulations, Becs. You look beautiful,” Bucky told her.

“It was a beautiful ceremony,” Steve added. 

Rebecca smiled widely. “Yeah, I saw you crying in the front row. Couldn’t even keep it together for one minute,” she teased Bucky.

He shoved her playfully. “Yeah, well, never said I was a cool brother.” 

“You are,” she assured him. “Or at least, your boyfriend is.” 

“Steve?!” Bucky exclaimed. “Steve is like the least cool person alive. He listens to old-timey music and grumbles about the prices of apples and the taste of bananas and -”

“Hey, hey, hey, I’m right here!” Steve objected, laughing. 

Bucky looked at him. “You know I love you, right?” he said before leaning in to kiss Steve.

They heard a sharp intake of breath behind them. Of course Bucky’s parents would be right behind them.

“Hi mom, dad,” Bucky said slowly. 

Steve extended a hand to them, trying to defuse the tension. “We haven’t met yet,” he said. “I’m Steve Rogers.” 

Steve could feel many more eyes on them. It seemed half the room had realized what was unfolding right now and was holding their breath to see what would happen. Realizing they were being watched, Bucky’s mother shook his hand. “Mrs. Barnes,” she said. Bucky’s father followed suit.

“How have you been?” Bucky asked awkwardly, apparently reduced to small talk after a twelve year separation.

“We have nothing to say to you as long as you insist on this...lifestyle,” Mr. Barnes said quietly so nobody but them could hear and gesturing towards Steve’s hand rubbing up and down Bucky’s lower back.

Bucky flinched as if he’d been struck. 

Steve’s blood was rushing in his ears, the telltale sign of a mood that had gotten his ass kicked in many a Brooklyn alley back in the day. 

But before he could say anything, Rebecca stepped forward. “You haven’t seen your son in twelve years and you don’t even want to know how he’s doing?” she asked, hissing. “You don’t even want to talk to him at all?” 

“It’s his choice, to go on with -” Mr. Barnes began.

“His choice?” Rebecca echoed, voice much louder now. “It was _your_ choice to have a child and it was _your_ choice to abandon him when he didn’t turn out to be what you wanted him to be. Well, tough shit, because this is the son you have and you can make a choice right now to get to know him.” 

By now, they’d attracted the attention of every pair of eyes in the room. Steve found himself in the unusual situation of needing to defuse the situation. This was Rebecca’s wedding after all, and Bucky didn’t do well with conflict anyway. “With all due respect, Mr. and Mrs. Barnes,” Steve said, “I’ve had the privilege of getting to know your son these past two years. He’s a wonderful man, not in spite of his sexuality, but because of it. He’s committed to kindness and equality because he knows those things are hard to come by sometimes. I love him and I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world. All I can say is you’re missing out by cutting him out of your life. But if you continue ignoring him, he’s got plenty of family back home in New York to count on. It would just be nice if he could include his parents in his life.”

The room had gone dead quiet. Bucky was trembling beside him, the pent up stress and anger and grief threatening to overwhelm him any second now. A long silence followed. Bucky’s parents still didn’t look at Bucky. 

Finally, Mr. Barnes broke the silence. “It was nice to meet you, Captain Rogers,” he said before turning and walking away without so much as a look at Bucky.

Mrs. Barnes followed, glancing at Bucky very briefly before turning around too. 

Steve led Bucky out of the room, mouthing “I’m sorry” at Becca and trying to shield Bucky from view as much as possible. The other guests had the decency to ignore them as they made their way out of the room towards the back exit.

Bucky started sobbing as soon as they got outside. “I thought...I thought if they saw me…” he said between sobs.

“I know,” Steve said, holding him tightly. “I know. Me too.” 

They were out there for a while, Steve waiting patiently for Bucky to signal he was ready to go back inside. When the door opened, Steve expected to see Rebecca or maybe aunt Anna, but a smaller figure stepped outside. Bucky’s mother.

“Bucky?” she asked quietly.

Bucky looked up, fresh tears already welling up in his eyes again. 

“I’ve missed you,” she said. Steve saw a few tears glistening in the dark on her cheeks. “And I’m sorry.” 

“One apology isn’t going to cut it, you know,” Bucky said in a cold tone that signalled he was really pissed off.

His mother nodded. “I know. It’ll take time. But I’d like to try.” She took a deep breath. “I’d like to visit you some time. If that’s okay with you.” 

Bucky nodded. “Yeah. I’d like that,” he said quietly. She turned to leave, when Bucky called out to her. “Mom? Can I hug you?”

She turned back to Bucky, tears streaming down her face now, and nodded. “Of course, honey. Of course.”

They hugged for a long time. Steve had shuffled to the side to give them some privacy. They were talking quietly, and if he strained he could probably make out their words, but he deliberately decided not to. Bucky would tell him when he was ready. 

They’d work it out. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Kudos and comments are always appreciated :).


End file.
